Page 60 of Knot Our Reality

He hums. “And you’re still feeling okay about Pack Astor having to pull out?”

“Of course. I’m happy for them. Who wouldn’t want to find their omega pair?” I sigh, finally glancing up at him. “Like I might have.”

“Ahhhh, is there where you want to start?”

I shake my head. “No. Let’s wait on that. You know, I came into this expecting to handle it like a business deal?”

He chuckles. “I’m well aware. How did that work out for you?”

I glare at him. “About as well as you think it did, but are you supposed to laugh at clients like that?”

“Why not? Sometimes they need to be laughed at.” He’s so lucky I like listening to him talk. Anyone else, I would’ve bitten their head off already. “I figured this would be a conversation we’d have. Tell me about why you felt you needed to do that, and why you don’t think it’s possible anymore.”

“And how do you know I don’t think it’s possible anymore?”

“You wouldn’t have brought it up if you still considered it a possibility.” He cocks an eyebrow, and it feels like he’s daring me to lie to him, but I won’t.

I sigh, hugging the pillow to my chest. “I still feel like I’m betraying my pack. They loved me with everything they were, and I loved them just the same. We had two boys we loved, then they were just gone. I shouldn’t be able to just move on like that.”

“Just like that?” Finn shakes his head. “Emilia, it’s been over two and a half years. As you know, most omegas who lose their entire pack like you did usually follow them into death. They struggle to find a reason to keep living, feeling so empty without those bonds they shared. But you know that. You made it through something many people couldn’t. You’ve already proven how strong you are. Which is why I’m not surprised you didn’t begin looking for another pack and used suppressants.”

“I had two boys to take care of. I couldn’t leave them without at least one parent.”

“Ahh, but that’s not always enough. There’s been a lot of research done on broken omega syndrome in my community. Did you know that?”

I shake my head. This is the first time I’ve heard of broken omega syndrome.

“You didn’t see anyone after losing your pack, did you?”

“I did,” I declare with a frown. “Not for long because they were useless, but I tried.”

Finn holds up his hands. “I’m not judging you. Whoever you saw must never have worked with anyone with broken omega syndrome before. There are still some out there who don’t believe it to be a real thing. Those who believe omegas are weak and dramatic, but for those of us who know better? We know what can happen to an omega who loses everything—including the will to live, more often than not.

“If you’d seen someone different, we might not be sitting here right now. There are treatments for people in your situation. Ways to help you recover in a healthy way and learn to live again. Because I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that burying your emotions isn’t healthy—even if it’s worked for you thus far.”

“That’s all great and dandy, but that doesn’t help me now, does it?” I’ll be the first to admit I sound like a child right now, but what good does it do knowing I could be in a better place if I’d chosen a better psychologist?

Finn just offers me a small smile, saying nothing about my tone. “It actually does. You haven’t healed the wound still festering inside you. We can do that together. We can get you to a place where you don’t feel like you’re betraying them—because you’re not. You know that, right? Even if everything is telling you that you’re betraying them, you’re not. If they loved you like you say they did, then all they’d want for you is for you to be happy.”

I nod. “I know. I had a dream about them the other night. It was so real. I felt them touching me as they told me it was okay to move on.”

“Ah, yes. See, part of you already knows you’re not betraying them or their love. That was your subconscious telling you what you needed to hear them say.” He pauses, rubbing his hand over his beard. “When did this dream happen?”

“The night after I met Camden,” I admit.

“And you think he’s the reason you dreamed of them?”

I don’t respond right away, thinking it over before nodding. “I didn’t have an omega in my pack before, so liking him doesn’t feel like such a betrayal. But he comes with an alpha attached.”

“That doesn’t mean you have to accept his alpha as yours. Whether you’re an omega pair or not, if you’re not interested in Wilder like that, it’s okay. It might make things a little harder, but it’s not a prerequisite to accepting a bond with Camden.”

“Yeah, I know, but that’s the other part of the problem.” I give him a pained smile. “I do want Wilder. And most of the other suitors. As embarrassing as this is to admit, I slicked meeting both Camden and Evander. I haven’t reacted to anyone like that since…”

Finn nods. “Since meeting your first pack. Of course you haven’t because you were happy with them and had everything you needed. Mentally, it might be hard to admit you’re ready to move on, but this is your body’s way of reminding you that even though you loved and lost, you have other biological needs. You’ve been able to ignore them until now, but your body is telling you that the time for that is gone.”

“Yeah, I’m figuring that out. I just…I don’t know how to reconcile the two. I don’t know how to move on from my pack. How to feel okay about not only being attracted to other men but wanting to be with them.” I shake my head. “I already had my happily ever after—kind of. It feels like I’m being greedy, trying to find what I had with them again.”

“If that’s how you’re looking at this, then you’re doomed to fail.” He holds his hand up when I go to respond. “You’re never going to find what you had with your first pack because no set of people are the same. You’re not even the same woman you were back when you met them, are you?”

---