Page 31 of Pucking Strong

“I know,” he says again.

“You were there when the Prices came out, when Novy and Morrow came out—”

“I know,” he says over me, his frustration clearly rising. Good. Anything is better than this cool, calm complacency.

“Teddy, I—” His words fall short with a shake of his head.

I step closer. “You what?”

His navy-blue eyes look steely in this light. “I will not trap you. On paper, we will be married, yes. But in private, you will be free to live your life on your terms. And as soon as I can set you free, I will. I swear it.”

Set me free.

Because, to him, this marriage will be a cage. That’s how he sees this, how he sees me. My heart sinks further, if that’s even fucking possible. But this isn’t about me and it never was. I square my shoulders at him. “We’re not doing this for ourselves, remember? We’re doing it for the little girl waiting for you at the hospital. She needs us. We’re just gonna take this one step at a time, yeah?”

Slowly he nods. “Any other truths you need to share?”

My mouth goes dry as I search his beautiful face. “Nope. I think that was the big one.”

Liar.

He gestures towards the altar. “Then, shall we?”

I let him lead the way, and we resume our positions. Henrik folds his hands, so I fold mine. Henrik looks at the corner of the lectern, so I do too. But the moment the officiant opens his mouth to resume the ceremony, my panic has me spiraling out all over again. I throw up my hands. “I’m sorry, but we’ve gotta hit the big red pause button again. Henrik, that’s not the only thing I needed to tell you.”

The officiant may be annoyed, but only concern lines Henrik’s face. “Teddy, please, you can tell me anything.”

I look from him to the officiant, my heart racing. “Fuck, seriously? You want me to just say it right here in front of Swedish C-3PO?”

The officiant’s frown deepens.

Henrik sighs. “Teddy …”

“Fine.” I raise my hands again. “Fine, I’ll say it. It’s really no big deal, but I feel like I can’tnotsay it, so I’m just gonna say it. I had a crush on you, okay? I’m gay, and when I first started interning with the Rays, I had a big gay-boy crush on you. But, you know, it’s your own fucking fault because you saved my life. So, that’s it. That’s the big secret.” I wave my hand at the officiant. “Okay, C-3PO, you go. What’s the Swedish for ‘I now pronounce you man and man,’ because Karolina has to be out of her scans by now. And Felix really needs this watch back—”

“Hold on.”

I wrap my hand around the borrowed watch on my wrist, suddenly feeling about ten inches tall. I’m such a fucking coward. I only told him half the truth. I just can’t bear the thought of his dismissal. Not when I’m standing at this altar, literally marrying him. He already sees this as a trap we can’t escape. I can’t tell him that part of mewantsto walk into this cage. My heart couldn’t take the rejection.

“Teddy, look at me.”

Oh fuck, anything but that.

Taking a deep breath, I look Henrik in the eyes. There’s so much pain there, hidden under his river of outward calm. He’s so tired. I know he’s not sleeping, not with the nightmares. He woke me last night with his shouting. He thinks I don’t know. He thinks I don’t watch him leave the apartment every morning before the sun rises, determined to run his grief away.

A muscle twitches in his jaw as his gaze drops to where I’m gripping my wrist. “Where did you get that watch?”

Seriously? I just admitted to my crush and his only question is about the watch? “It was something old. And borrowed.”

“What?”

“Something old, new, borrowed, and blue,” I recite. “It’s just a silly wedding ritual. It’s nothing. Forget it. Are we doing this?” I look to the officiant.

“Teddy …” Henrik reaches for me but then drops his hand.

I bite the inside of my cheek, fighting the urge to cry.

“Look at me,” he says again, softer this time.

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