Page 33 of Pucking Strong

This was a big fucking mistake.

“So, what did you tell them about me?”

I glance to the side as I drive. Teddy sits next to me, his eyes hidden behind his sunglasses. We picked up a rental car this morning. Normally, I would have taken the car I keep in the city, but that’s the car Petra was driving in the accident. Even if they could repair it, I don’t want it now. In fact, I would pay dearly to crush what remains into a dense metal cube and sink it to the bottom of a lake.

“I told them what they need to know,” I reply, flicking my blinker before coasting around a slow-moving truck.

My parents still live in the same home from my childhood. It’s in a sleepy little town about two hours south of the city along the coast. I wouldn’t have left Karro alone at the hospital today, but this was a task I could entrust to no one else. My stomach feels hollow as my gaze darts to the rearview mirror for the hundredth time. My sister’s urn watches me from the back seat. Today, I’m taking Petra home.

“Do they know we’re married?” Teddy presses.

“They know.”

“And they know why we did it? Like, they know it’s not real? And they’re not mad?”

I sigh, hands gripping tight to the wheel. I’ve spoken to my parents a few times since Petra’s death. Dad wanted to come to the hospital, but it’s too hard with Mom. She likes her routines. And he couldn’t come alone. She gets too anxious when he’s away, even if a neighbor comes over to stay with her.

The news of Petra’s death devastated them, causing Mom to be even more confused. She keeps taking the phone from him and demanding that I put Petra on the line. Then we have to tell her all over again that she’s dead. Her grief cuts like a knife every time.

I waited to call Dad last night until I was sure she’d be asleep. Then I told him about Teddy, about our plan to take Karolina with us back to Jacksonville. “He knows this is what’s best for Karro.”

Teddy doesn’t press any further. I glance his way, catching the reflection of the road in his dark sunglasses. He’s been acting strange since we left the municipal building last night. He’s been quiet, almost taciturn. It’s so unlike him. He feels far away. His body may be strapped in the front seat of this car, but his mind is elsewhere.

No, it’s more than his mind. It’s hiseverything. His light, his color, his energy that hums like a fluorescent bulb day and night. Always shining. Always on. But since we walked out of that chapel, he’s been off. And I want to know why. For the foreseeable future, my fate is bound to this man. Breaking my cardinal rule of minding my own business, I reach for the volume dial and turn down the radio. “What are you thinking about?”

Teddy stays quiet, one long finger tapping the side of his thigh. He doesn’t look my way. “Nothing,” he finally says.

I bristle, hands gripping tighter to the wheel. “Look, I’ll not ask for much in this …” What do I even call us? Husbands? Partners? Skipping over the language, I plunge ahead. “There are many things I can tolerate, but lying isn’t one.”

He shifts in his seat, still not looking at me.

“For as long as you are in Karro’s life, I have to know I can trust you. I have to know you’ll be open with me. When I ask you a question, I expect an answer. This won’t work any other way.”

My words act like a switch, and suddenly he’s on again, his body humming with life. He turns slowly to look at me, my own face reflected in his sunglasses. “You really wanna know what I’m thinking about?”

“You can’t shut me out now. Our situation is too precarious.”

He huffs, crossing his arms. “Oursituationis totally fucked! That’s what I’ve been thinking. I think we made a terrible mistake.Huge. Colossal. God, like, what were we even thinking? We got married!” He turns in his seat, gesturing between us. “You and me. We’re married.”

“I know.”

“We’re husbands. And it’s legal, like, everywhere! Except a few countries in Africa and Asia. I don’t know, we’ll have to check. But in a hundred and fifty-something countries, I am now your legal partner.”

“I know,” I say again.

“Well, then pardon my fucking French, but why are you not more freaked out right now? Why are you so fucking calm? You’re like Frosty the fucking Snowman over there. Meanwhile, I’m Elsa, totally out of control, just turning everything to ice with my chaos fingers!”

He wiggles his fingers like he’s doing magic, and my brow furrows in confusion. “None of that was French—”

“It’s an expression! You see? This is what I mean! I’m married to a man who doesn’t know the expression ‘pardon my French.’ And now I’m on my way to meet his parents—two people who, until last night, didn’t know I fucking existed. And when we get back to Jacksonville, I’m gonna have to tellmyfamily. I have to tell them what I did, Henrik. My mom, my sisters—ohmygod.” He jerks his sunglasses off and rattles them down to the cupholder, dragging a hand over his face.

I hate that this is distressing him so much. The last thing I want is for this to strain any relations he has with friends or family. “Will they be upset?”

He groans into his hand, making a sound somewhere between a laugh and a snort. “Are you kidding? They’re gonna murder me. And they’d be right. This is just like me. Classic Teddy, always trying to solve other people’s problems.” He twists around to face me again. “I told Julio this would happen. I fucking called it. I should’ve bet money on it.”

My head is spinning. “Who’s Julio?”

“The TSA guy,” he says with a distracted wave of his hand.

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