Page 177 of Pucking Sweet

“Fuck.” I lean forward, pressing my forehead against the cool metal of the door.

“Say you’re not hard. Say you’re not aching for it. You fucking piece of shit, say you’re not mine in all the ways I’m yours.”

I reach for the door handle again. “I’m not yours. I’m not anyone’s. I’m nothing.”

He gave me a choice. Now that it’s made, he’s done. Colton Morrow doesn’t beg. “Get the fuck out.”

I pull open the door and slip out, leaving everything I own inside that goddamn apartment. I can hardly think past the pain in my dick as I do the only thing I’ve ever been good at. I fucking run.

66

Three Weeks Later

“Are you ready to hear the heartbeat?” The doctor smiles up at us from her place at the end of the exam table.

It’s the day after New Year’s, and Poppy and I are at her ten-week wellness check. It’s amazing to see the changes three weeks can bring. She’s finally starting to look pregnant. She’s hiding it easily at work with open blazers and the cut of her clothes. But when she’s at home in her ratty cross county tee, I can see the little curve of her tummy.

I take her hand and nod. “Yeah, we’re ready.”

Poppy lies back, one arm stretched over her head as Doctor Renner glides the wand through the jelly and turns up the sound on the monitor. A strangewomp-womp-wompfills the room that sounds more like the first encounter with alien life than a human baby’s heartbeat.

I kiss Poppy’s hand as I watch the sound waves flash on the monitor. The baby sits in the middle of the screen, floating like a little peanut.

Poppy smiles up at me. “Pretty cool, right?”

I nod, tears in my eyes. “Yeah…can we get a copy of this?” I ask the doctor.

“Of course,” she replies. “We can provide you with an audio file as well.”

I let out a shaky breath, eyes locked on the monitor. Hearing the heartbeat is making me way more emotional than I expected. But, hey, I’m a heart guy. Hearts and their functioning have been my life for so long. My obsession, my hill toendlessly climb.

You need a good heart in your chest. That’s why the news of this pregnancy rattled me as deeply as it did. I wasn’t ready to have my dream shift into a reality. I definitely wasn’t ready for the crippling fear that would creep in with my joy. Those dark thoughts that whisper to you in the quiet moments. Genetic abnormalities. One in a million chance. I won the bad heart lottery, and I don’t want this child to suffer like I did. I want our baby to have such a good, strong heart.

“And everything’s okay?” I say, looking from the monitor to the doctor.

“Mhmm. The fetus is measuring just as it should—”

“With the heart,” I say over her.

Poppy wraps her other hand around mine, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Everything seems fine,” the doctor assures us. “No irregularities in rhythm. Poppy told me heart health is a major concern. As things progress, we’ll be sure to monitor closely. Starting in the second trimester, I think it may be best to have biweekly check-ins, just so we’re not missing anything.”

Poppy asks a few questions about diet and exercise as I turn my attention back to the monitor. The last three weeks have been a total blur. We’ve had so many games, so much travel. I feel like I’ve pretty much been living out of a suitcase. I spent the only few days I had off at Christmas down in Orlando with my mom and my sister Jasmine’s family. Poppy came with me, rather than go home to her family in DC and risk breaking the news that she’s pregnant.

We’re not ready to tell people…not with things still so up in the air.

But it was a good weekend. My mom and sister are in love with her, obviously. The morning we left, Mom pulled me aside and gave me her old engagement ring. Colton from three months ago would be leaping at the chance to plan some elaborate proposal, desperate to put that ring on Poppy’s finger. Now it’s sitting in a box in my sock drawer, untouched.

Then, to celebrate our first year in the League, the Rays were put into the Winter Classic, which means we had to work over New Year’s Eve. It’s just an exhibition game, but it can be a ton of fun. Theatmosphere is usually pretty festive, especially when it’s hosted in New York City. Poppy even traveled up to help run a few pre-game events.

New Year’s Eve in the Big Apple with my girl and my…

Well, itcouldhave been fun.

Instead, Poppy spent the night watching Hallmark movies alone in her hotel room, and I spent half the night in the hospital with Langley. He took a hard hit on the ice and banged up his knee. We just got back yesterday, and I drove him over to Mars’s bungalow where he’s gonna recover for a few weeks.

Now, I’m holding Poppy’s hand, looking at our baby for the first time, feeling like a goddamn ghost. I know she feels it too. It’s like we’re stuck in limbo. Can’t move forward. Can’t focus on the past. We just…are.

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