Page 218 of Pucking Around

“Jer, wait!” Caleb calls. “Fuck,” he mutters. His gaze darts to me, worry in his eyes as he shakes his head. “He’s a fucking sieve, Jake. He’ll tell everyone—”

“Hey,” I soothe, hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay—”

“It’s not fucking okay,” he snaps, slapping my arm away. “The whole team will know—”

“Good.”

“What?” he says on a breath, dark eyes wide.

I just shrug. “We want this, right? We all want out. You, me, Rach, Mars. We want to go public. So let him tell the guys.”

“No.” He shakes his head. “No, we were going public about us all dating Rachel. We’re not doing this, Jake. You’re not coming out. Being polyamorous will be more than enough of a publicity nightmare.”

I study his face. “Do you not want people to know about us too?”

“Jake,” he sighs with a shake of his head.

I’m trying really hard to pretend I’ll be cool either way, but I’m totally not. I need him to want me out loud. I can’t fucking stand the idea of more secrets, more hiding. Jake Compton is coming out. I’m bi and I’m poly and I’ve never been happier in my life. That’s gotta mean something, right?

“Is it your job?” I say. “Are you worried they’ll can you? We’ll sign the disclosure forms. We can do this totally above board. And everyone on the team already calls us DLPs. It’s not like they’ll be that surprised,” I add with a nervous laugh. “But…if you’re worried—”

“You think I’m worried aboutme,” he says, cutting me off. “Jake, I don’t give a fuck about my job or my reputation or fucking any of it. I’d quit right now.” He steps forward, hands on my shoulder pads. “But you’ve been bi for all of two seconds. I’ve been out for years. It’s not easy—”

“But itiseasy,” I say. “Loving you, loving Rach, it’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done, Cay. Even having Mars around just feels…right. Am I right? Tell me you feel it too.”

“Of course, I do,” he says quickly. “But Jake, us feeling right together—”

“Is theonlything that matters,” I say, cutting him off. “Your approval, your love, Rachel’s love—they are the only things that matter to me, Caleb.”

He lets out a shaky breath, panic still lacing his features.

“Besides, it’s not like I’m coming out as bi and open for business,” I add. “My business is firmly closed. In fact, I’m about to be the worst openly bi player in pro sports history because my gayness begins and ends with you. You’re it for me, Cay. You’re the only guy for me. She’s my girl, and you’re my guy, and Mars is…Mars,” I add with a shrug. “Please don’t make me hide this. If I say I’m willing to risk it, let me make that choice.”

Caleb steps back, shaking his head. “This is so fucking crazy. What the hell are we doing?”

I drop my hands to my hockey pants, buckling them shut and flipping my jersey down with a smile. “Just you wait. I’m gonna love you so fucking hard, Cay. And I’m gonna do it out loud…whether the hockey world likes it or not.”

95

The buzzer sounds the end of the game and I breathe a huge sigh of relief. What a goddamn mess. Jake ejected in the second period for fighting. Novikov took a skate to the face and is probably still off getting stitches. Midway through the third period, Toronto’s goalie left the net to the scream of the fans, skated over to the bench, folded himself over the boards, and puked his guts out. Play stopped as they got him off the ice and the backup took over.

Rays won, but it doesn’t feel like a victory. We all survived something out here tonight. Something horrible. The teams form a line to shake hands. I see Mäkinen and he sees me. He laughs and shakes his head, calling out in Finnish, “Did we just fall out of a tree?”

I can’t help but laugh too. That’s definitely what this feels like. I’m dazed and confused, sitting at the bottom of this tree of a game wondering how I managed to hit every limb on the way down. “You played like shit,” I say back.

“Speak for yourself, Kinnunen. You let in three goals.”

“None from you,” I reply. “And at least I kept down my lunch.”

He laughs again. “What a mess. The scouts will likely pass on us both.”

“They won’t. You’ll wear the blue and white,” I say, cuffing his shoulder.

“As will you, my friend,” he says before skating off.

I work my way back to the locker room, unsurprised that Rachel is still missing. She left with Novikov and didn’t come back to the bench. Doctor Tyler took her place. Jake isn’t in the locker room either. His stall is cleared out.

I go through all my routines, stripping out of my gear, before hitting the shower. As I’m in there, Coach Tomlin pops his head in. “Hey Mars, hurry up! The FIHA guys are out here waiting.”

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