Page 44 of Touch Me Not

“Easy,katyonak.” Nikoli’s voice came out soothing, but there was still a command in it. “This is about trust. I told you I wouldn’t touch you, and I won’t.”

Could she trust him? He’d given her no reason not to trust him, aside from his sneak attacks, as he called them. They didn’t even bother her anymore. She’d stopped flinching about two hours into the drive this morning to pick up the car. It was then she’d realized she was starting to trust him. She shouldn’t, had no reason to, but oddly, she did. Maybe she just needed to trust him. Needed to have faith she could get better, that he could help her do it.

Believing it was entirely different from trying to convince her body of it.

She felt him move away from her, heard him walking around her room. What the hell was he doing? Her nerves were strung taut, and she strained her ears to try to hear him. Where was he? Her mattress squeaked, and she turned in that direction.

“Did I say you could move?” he asked, his voice full of authority and displeasure.

Lily groaned. She wasn’t sure if she liked this side of Nikoli, but she had to admit her body reacted to it. It clenched up in all sorts of places it shouldn’t. Her nostrils flared, and she realizedher hands had stopped shaking. Other nerves were crowding her right now, ones that had nothing to do with her fear of being touched.

“Did I?” he asked again, an edge of irritation in his voice.

“No,” Lily whispered, trying to understand what she was feeling but failing miserably.

“Back to your position,Milaya.”

Lily frowned but turned back to facing the wall opposite her closet. Nikoli stood, and she heard him walking again. Anticipation flashed through her body, and it only served to confuse her further. Her heartbeat sped up when she felt him in front of her. He was close. She could smell his aftershave. It invaded her senses, causing her breath to get a little more labored.

Why was he just standing there?

His breath tickled her ear. “Do you still want me to touch you, Milaya?”

DEFCON three exploded in her senses. Her brain said no, but her body said yes. What was happening to her? Every nerve was alert, waiting expectantly for him to touch her. She craved it.

“Answer me.”

“I don’t know,” she almost wailed. She didn’t understand anything happening to her right now.

“Shhh,Milaya,” Nikoli soothed. He knew he couldn’t push her too far. This whole thing had been about trust. “Your entire body is quivering. Not shaking in fear, but quivering in excitement, anticipation, and you’re confused. That’s perfectly okay. I’m going to remove the scarf now. Hold still for me.”

He carefully untied the scarf, letting it fall from her eyes. Her gaze swept up to look at his face, and his lungs refused to expand. The blue was darker, but they were sleepy, filled with desire. He could see the confusion on her face, but he sensedher excitement in the way her body reacted to his nearness. He forced his hands to stay at his sides.

“Better?” he asked softly.

“I…I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “Why did you do that?”

“Trust,” he said simply. “I wanted to show you that I can be trusted. A woman is at her most vulnerable when she cedes control to a man. You needed to understand that I don’t take that trust lightly. I promised I wouldn’t touch you, and I kept my word.”

She gave him a hesitant smile.

“Do you want to talk about how it made you feel?” he asked. “You weren’t expecting to feel anything but fear, were you?”

“I’ve never done anything like that,” she whispered. “I’ve read books like that. When a woman gives up control and willingly lets a guy hurt her…”

“Did I hurt you, Lily?” he interrupted, his voice hard and unyielding. He wouldn’t let her think this was like those cheesy erotica novels about BDSM. It wasn’t. He didn’t hurt women for kinks. He liked control, yes, but to do some of the stuff he’d seen in the clubs he frequented? That wasn’t him.

“No,” she admitted. “It’s just when you said you were going to cover my eyes, I thought…” She shook her head. “I’m not that girl, Nikoli, a…a submissive. The one who lets a man take advantage of her, hurt her, use her for his own satisfaction.”

“You’ve got a skewed perception of the lifestyle,” he said. “It’s not about hurting a woman or using her. It’s about satisfying needs, about trust and respect.”

“But how is it about respect when you take away someone’s control?”

“Lily, you obeyed the commands I gave you today. Why?”

He watched a myriad of emotions cross her face as she tried to articulate her answer. More than anything, the part of himthat was the dominant alpha male wanted to hold her, to tell her it was okay, he’d take care of everything, but he couldn’t do that with her. She needed to come to grips with her own fears first.

“Can I sit?” she asked, her hands worrying each other. Nikoli smiled. She didn’t even realize she asked for permission. He nodded.

---