Page 48 of Touch Me Not

“That’s crazy, right?” Lily finally looked up. “I don’t understand why my panic level doesn’t skyrocket around him or why he can touch me when Adam can’t.”

“It’s not crazy at all,” Rebekha assured her. “Lily, your phobia is not as extreme or as severe as some of the other patients I treat. I have patients who can’t even leave theirapartment because they are so petrified of physical contact. You are a functioning member of society. You have limits, yes, like cutting your own hair instead of going to a salon, but your fear is a controlled one. You don’t let it stop you. Let’s look at what we know about your phobia. Your fear is centered more around your family than the general public. You are afraid that showing them love or any emotion through physical contact can somehow cause them harm or even death. You think of Adam as family, don’t you?”

“Of course.”

“Adam became part of your fear, but Nikoli is new. He’s not someone you consider family.”

“Still, I shouldn’t want him to touch me. I’ve known most of the football team for years, and I can’t even give Mikey a hug. I don’t understand what is going on with me. Why is he different?”

Rebekha smiled, and Lily fidgeted. “Maybe he’s different because you are attracted to him?”

Lily swept her eyes back down, but she couldn’t hide the blush that bloomed on her cheeks. “Only a blind woman wouldn’t be attracted to him.”

“Lily, this isn’t a bad thing. It means you are finally ready to start to forgive yourself. You want to get better. It’s what we’ve been talking about for months. This isn’t all of a sudden. It’s been a long time coming. Your mind needed a way to let you express yourself, to let you touch someone who isn’t family, and somewhere in the last few days, you’ve decided that someone is Nikoli.”

Lily groaned and let herself fall back against the cushion. The need to be normal had been driving her nuts for months, especially now that she was graduating college and starting her life. All she wanted was to be normal. Was that where this willingness to let Nikoli touch her came from?

“Tell me about Nikoli,” Rebekha encouraged. “You said he’s different than Adam. What’s so different?”

“He doesn’t treat me like I’m his little sister who’s going to break apart at the first gust of wind.” Lily opened her eyes and looked at the abstract art lining the walls. “There’s something else.”

“Hmm?”

“Adam…well, Adam and I are not talking right now. He acted like an ass when he found out I was going on a date with Nikoli, and then he…he used my phobia against me to make me feel worthless.”

“Why would he do that?” Rebekha kept her face neutral but concerned.

“Nikoli says he’s jealous, and part of me hopes he is. All I’ve ever wanted is for him to see me.”

“His wedding is soon, isn’t it?”

“Christmas.” Lily stood and paced the room. “I’ve wondered if maybe my willingness to let Nikoli touch me is part of that.”

“Is it?”

“I don’t know.” Lily sank back down on the couch. “I just don’t know. All I know is I’m confused. Nikoli makes me feel things, want things, things I’ve never felt or needed from Adam. I love Adam, but what if I’m notin lovewith him? What if I just latched on to the one person who made me feel safe, the person who’s always there for me?”

“Maybe this little experiment of yours with Nikoli will help you answer those questions, Lily.”

Maybe. Lily had been thinking about this for days. Nikoli sparked a response in her that she’d never felt in Adam’s presence. It was probably just lust, but it also said to her that her feelings for Adam may have been morphed into something bigger in her own mind. Adam was her constant.

“Do you think we can go back to two sessions a week for a little while?” she asked abruptly. “I feel so out of control right now. All these emotions and sensations are new to me, and I feel overwhelmed.”

“Of course, Lily, if you feel you need it.” Rebekha smiled at her in such a motherly fashion it made her miss her own mom. Her mom would help her hash this out, but she was miles and miles away in Florida.

“For a little while,” she said absently. “Nikoli pushes me, he won’t let me hide, but he never pushes me too far, or at least he hasn’t yet. I need to talk about it, though. I can’t talk to Adam about this, especially not right now.”

“Now, tell me how you are feeling in regard to your argument with Adam.” Rebekha moved the conversation back to Adam.

Lily’s shoulders sagged. “Adam has always been there, never unkind, always supportive, until I started dating Nikoli. I never knew he could be so cruel. He hurt me more than I can express. He’s sorry, but I can’t get past what he said to me, how he made me feel.”

“Sometimes those we love hurt us more than anyone else.”

Lily fiddled with the cushion again. “I’m trying to forgive him. I need him in my life, even if from a distance. He is my one constant, the one person who never made me feel guilty about Laney. Sometimes my mom looks at me, and I can still see the pain in her eyes and just a little bit of blame. I don’t know if I imagine it or not, but I see it.” Lily rubbed her neck, trying to loosen the tension knot. “I’ve been talking about Laney with Nikoli.”

Rebekha’s eyebrows went up a bit. Lily refused to willingly talk about her sister with anyone, but with Nikoli, she found she could talk about her. She wasn’t sure why.

“Maybe it’s because Nikoli didn’t know the two of you, and you feel safe from the doubt and the blame? This is good, Lily.It’s progress, a massive step forward in forgiving yourself for her death.”

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