Page 26 of Touch Me Not

The inside of the apartment was huge. It had an open concept look, with the living room flowing into the kitchen and dining room. The furniture was done in earthy shades, with splashes of red to provide a stark contrast to the browns and taupes. It was very masculine.

Her mind kept going back to their earlier conversation at the restaurant. He said she needed a safe word, and her eyes went round at the thoughts of what he did here with other women. She didn’t trust him, so why did she let him bring her here? Panic set in, and she glanced back at the door, wondering how fast she could make an escape if need be.

Nikoli kicked off his shoes and walked to the kitchen, where he grabbed two bottles of water out of the fridge before comingback into the main room. He sat on the couch and motioned for Lily to join him.

Lily stayed standing by the door, unsure, and Nikoli waited. He had to let her make the decision to come to him. It had to beherdecision. This was the first step toward her learning to trust him. Without trust, they’d get nowhere fast. The different emotions that ran through her eyes fascinated him. There was fear, hesitation, and curiosity. He was betting on curiosity being the driving factor here.

She’d been quiet on the ride over, and he’d respected that. Whatever Adam had done earlier really messed her up. She was still shaking slightly. Nikoli let out a small sigh of relief when she hesitantly sat on the opposite end of the couch as far away from him as she could get. He didn’t let it bother him. Trust would be learned, and he would learn a little bit of patience in return.

He tossed her a bottle of water. She twisted the cap off and took a sip, her tongue darting out to lick the drops from her lips. His nostrils flared at the sight, but he tamped down his own desire. He had to be careful not to scare her.

“You said you’d explain when we got here?” She looked everywhere but at him.

“This is my escape,” he told her. “It’s where I come to get away from everyone, where I come to…to share certain experiences with women who enjoy the same things I do.”

Her gaze flew up to his face, and he bit back a smile at the anger there. He knew what she was thinking. She had nothing to fear from him.

“Lily Bells, don’t overreact.” He kept his voice soothing. “I told you I had certain tendencies, but none of them involve pain. I have never caused a woman physical pain, and I never will.”

“You just break their hearts.” Her voice was full of her own anger at his behavior. He was relieved. He’d take anger over hurt any day.

“I thought we agreed to disagree,” he said mildly. “Now, what happened tonight? You were fine when I left you.”

She pulled her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Her eyes took on a haunted look that made him want to hit something. “Adam came over to check…”

“To check what?” he prompted when she didn’t go on.

“You were right,” she said, her voice small and anguished. “He was jealous. He came over to check to see if you and I had…if we…”

“Had sex?” he offered. He saw how hard this was for her to talk about. He needed to know what happened tonight, but more than that, he needed to know why she was afraid of anyone touching her.

She nodded. “I told him it wasn’t any of his business, and he got angry.”

“Did he hurt you?” Every muscle coiled at the thought of anyone touching her in anger.

“Not like you mean,” she whispered. “Adam would never hit me, but he did hurt me.” A tear slipped down her cheek, and as much as he wanted to reach over and wipe it away, he kept his hands tightly clenched. “He…he…Adam knows how hard it is for me to…” She closed her eyes briefly, and Nikoli felt his anger burn hotter. He knew what Adam had done. He’d done it deliberately out of anger.

“He used your fear to make you feel inadequate?” She nodded, and his anger deepened. Adam was supposed to be her friend. No matter how jealous the dickhead was, he should never have hurt her like that. “I’m sorry.”

She gave a humorless laugh. “He’s right, though. I’ve let it turn me into someone who isn’t capable of intimacy. I can’t give him what Sue can.”

This gave him the opening he needed to get to the heart of what he wanted to know.

“I told you I’d help you with that, but I have to understand why you’re so afraid. Did someone hurt you?”

“I wasn’t abused, molested, or raped as a kid, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Her fingers twisted the end of the throw cushion she’d picked up. “It’s all in my head, according to every therapist and psychologist I’ve ever been to.”

Nikoli had expected a story of violence, given how she’d reacted when he’d grabbed her arm at lunch, so he was very surprised to hear this. “So, it just kind of developed on its own?”

“Do we have to talk about it right now?” Her voice was strained as her gaze fell away from his, but he’d caught the glimmer of shame in them.

“Yes, we have to talk about it right now,” he said, his voice firm. “I need to understand this if I’m going to help you.”

Another hollow laugh erupted from her. “It’s not about helping me, and you know it. It’s about trying to get me naked.”

“That’s true.” He cracked a grin, despite the seriousness of the situation. “I won’t lie about it, but I do want to help you, Lily. I don’t know exactly why, but I do. And Icanhelp you, more than anyone else, but you have to help me understand why you can’t bear to be touched.”

She remained quiet for a long time, but Nikoli patiently waited. He couldn’t push her like he wanted to. He would eventually, but right now, she needed to do this, to trust him. Nikoli understood how hard this was for her. When she nodded, he relaxed, the dominant part of him sighing in relief. She was already learning to trust him even if she didn’t realize it.

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