Page 55 of I Need You to Read This
Alex’s foot slips on the tile. She is falling in slow motion. On the way toward the kitchen floor her head smacks against something sharp. She lands in a pile, her vision swirling with stars. She curls on the floor, a pulsing behind her head.
“Oh dear,” she hears Lucy mutter from somewhere behind the light. “That’s a real bummer.” Alex blinks into the beam of her flashlight. Disoriented, she tries to stand, but her feet slip and she slides back to the floor.
Alex brings her hand to her head and feels the slick of blood between her fingers. She sees it in the beam of Lucy’s flashlight, the bright red spattered on the tile and on her hand. The sight of it makes her woozy. The pain comes moments later, a wave of it cascading through her head. It makes Alex’s body contract with nausea.
“I did not want you to get hurt, you have to understand that. This was not supposed to happen this way,” Lucy whines. “I wanted you to look your best.”
“Look my best for what?” Alex chokes out as she tries to stay upright.
“For the apology,” she says as if Alex should know what she is talking about.
“What apology, Lucy?” Through the pain in her skull, Alex tries to understand what Lucy is talking about.
“Oh, the one between you and my dear older brother whose life you destroyed so thoroughly.”
The shock of it cuts through her pain, rattling through her body as she looks up at Lucy’s silhouette.
“Lulu,” she whispers. How could she not have recognized the silent little girl with straight-cut bangs and Mary Jane shoes? The one with absolute adoration for her much older brother Brian.
Lucy’s posture changes, her hand on her hip, almost bragging. “It’s been hard keeping it a secret, I must admit. I knew you wouldn’t remember me; I have changed a lot, grown up. But still, it hurts a bit.The way you stared at me that first time though, I thought for a minute that you’d see right through me. That I’d been caught out.”
The horror of it gathers in Alex’s chest, beating like wings against the inside of her ribcage. The young man who had ruined her, who had taken the last shred of her innocence, who had made her fearful and paranoid. And now she sees it; she has no idea how she missed it. The same rounded cheeks. The same way of looking at you, lying to you. That should have been the biggest clue of all. Lucy looks down at her. She can dimly make out the smug smile playing on her lips. Alex’s head throbs.
Before she can say anything, there’s a rush of movement in the dark. Alex’s arms are yanked tight behind her before she has the chance to pull away. She feels something hard and unyielding, with sharp plasticky edges, close around her wrists. A zip tie. The horror of what is happening hits Alex. Lucy came prepared.
“Your brother nearly ruined me.” If Alex can make her understand what happened back then, Lucy will let her go. She’ll have to. Alex is the victim here. She needs her to understand. “He hurt me.”
“I don’t remember it that way,” Lucy says. “Neither does he, of course. He loved you. And you just left in the worst possible way.”
Alex realizes, her stomach dropping, that Lucy has no idea what happened. Why would she? There is no way Brian would ever have admitted what he did. He’d probably told his family she ran away. He’d probably told Alex’s mother the same thing. She can imagine the hurt he would have conjured in his eyes as he told their families what had happened.
“You always loved him so much,” Alex remembers. She tries to comfort Lucy from her position curled back against the cabinet. “It’s easy to see things the way we want to when it comes to family—”
But Lucy draws away angrily. “He always said you had trouble with the truth. Don’t you pull your helpful bullshit on me,” she snaps. “I can see right through it. I know you have no idea what you’re doing. God knows how you got this job. Not that I’m complaining. If it wasn’t for that announcement in the paper, there is no way I would have found you.”
“Is that what he told everyone? That I left him?” Alex asks gently. Despite it all she can see the vulnerable child still inside of Lucy. She remembers the way she’d look up to her big brother, her eyes shining as they followed him around a room. It wasn’t too different from how Alex had looked at him at first. Brian had them both under his spell.
“He tried tokillme,” Alex says in case Lucy didn’t know.
Lucy crouches down in front of Alex. The little black hearts stitched into her tights stretch at her knees. She looks down at Alex with concern.
“Did he, Alex? Because it really looked like you tried to kill yourself.”
Alex shakes her head. Her wrists throb at the memory of that night. “No.”
“He had gone for help. He wanted to rescue you.” Even as Lucy says it, Alex can feel reality tilt and shift around her. Her confidence starts to slide away. “And then you just ran away and abandoned him. You didn’t even let him know what happened. He was worried sick.” She is petulant now, scuffing her toe against the floor.
“That’s just not true, Lucy,” Alex says, squeezing her eyes shut against the glare of the flashlight. The pain in the back of her skull has intensified, sending a sharp dagger through to her forehead.
Lucy glances down at her palm. In the dark kitchen the screen of her phone gives her face a demonic glow, like a child at a slumber party telling a ghost story.
Alex squirms against the tie but it cuts painfully into her arms. She pleads with Lucy: “Please, Lucy, just let me leave. You don’t know what you’re doing. Brian is not what you think. He’s not a good man, he’s—”
Lucy spins back and Alex recognizes the angry clench in her jaw.
“You misunderstood everything,” Lucy says, rigid with anger. “And you caused so much suffering for us all. And now I am giving everyone the chance to make things right.” Then she closes her mouth tightly, giving a little nod of satisfaction at her pronouncement.
“No, you’ve got it all wrong,” Alex begs.
