Page 371 of As the Rain Falls
I can’t do this.I can’t wrap myself around him, hide from the world, and forget about the rest. I can’t lose him either. I can’t lose the one thing I’ve always wanted now that I have it.
Someone who actually cares.
Someone whosees me.
When all you’ve known is silence, and everything feels so cold, you attach yourself to any bit of light that comes your way. Neglect doesn’t make you strong; it makes you desperate. Starved children will eat anything you give them, and that’s what I am.
A starving girl.
I just got lucky enough to find him before things took a turn for the worst. I mean, what was I doing, fucking every guy that seemed available?
Olivia was cruel, but her words weren’t entirely wrong. In fact, she was right about me. They all are.
“You’re anxious.” He frowns, noticing the state of me. I must look like a real mess if he can read me this much. “Cass, no matter what comes—”
“We’re staying together, I know that. I believe you.” I push a piece of his hair back, memorizing every inch of him. “I believe you because I love you, Beckett. I love you so much; do you even know what that means?”
He doesn’t.
Beckett is so good. He might be broken, we all are, but he’s not as broken as me. I’m spoiled goods. I’m a problem. I was raped and bullied and cursed at my whole life. I have nothing else to show but these ruined bits.
“Oh.” He gives me a small, almost too weak kind of smile. “You beat me to it.”
I snort, remembering the little girl I once was. She loved him, maybe only just a little, but that was love, too. It’s all love when it concerns him.
I wanted him then, and if life had been a little easier, things would have progressed in a totally different way. It’d be a lot easier, for starters. It’d be easier love him without restrictions or hesitations. I’d give myself to him fully, not worrying about the ramifications of wanting to belong to him.
My heart and soul would be his, and only his, and I’d give him my body. I’d—
“I beat you at everything,” I joke, keeping my inner turmoil to myself. “And you don’t even know it.”
And he never will.
I’ll never tell him that I need him to survive. I’ll never put that weight on his shoulders, because there’s nothing worse than to carry the realization that someone’s very breath is depending on you.
Just like Lucia depended on me.
She needed me to wake the fuck up and tell the truth, but I didn’t know the rules of the game I was playing.
It wasn’t that hard, now was it?
Kayla even wants to help me.
Why couldn’t I just do it?
Why did I have to be such a coward about it?
“You’re not beating me at loving more.” Beckett retorts, not missing a beat. It’s a lighthearted kind of confession, and I try to push down the feeling that we’re lying to ourselves, acting like we have all the time in the world. “I’m the only one who does that.”
“You are?” I lean in, chasing another kiss.
“I am.” Beckett’s thumb brushes against my chin. “I’ll always love you more, okay?”
“Even if…” I whisper.
“Even if,” he promises.
“Kiss me, please,” I ask, wanting to tune out all the scary thoughts.
