Page 340 of As the Rain Falls
I like his body and how he feels underneath my fingers. Mostly, I like how he tenses on top of me. His reactions are priceless, and I want to memorize each one in a folder no one else gets to see.
“You’re getting hard,” I point out, hiding a giggle as he pulls my arms to the top of my head, leaving a trail of warm kisses from my neck to my collarbone. “I can feel it.”
“No need to brag.” Beckett rolls his eyes, holding me just enough to make me feel the pressure without hurting me. “You smell really good.”
I blush.
“Do I?”
“Yeah.”
His touch feels good, too good even. So good that it makes me suddenly very angry. It’s not a reaction I want, but it’s the one I get. The emotion starts to rise and get to me as he distributes kiss after kiss against my skin, making me let out a pained noise, and Beckett freezes, lips resting against the sides of my face.
“You’re okay?”
I hesitate, “I…”
It’s a selfish thought, but I don’t want him to fuck me. I don’t want to feel the pain of penetration, which I probably will if we have sex. I want this moment to be mine. It should be. I want to see it through, whatever this is.
I suddenly want to know what it feels like to be tired under him, and only him. I want Beckett to anchor me so deeply in this moment that I forget about the rest.
“I don’t want to stop,” I say. “But I don’t know if I want to have sex.”
“Are you scared?”
I shrug. “A little?”
I hate it.I don’t know what I hate about how insecure I sound, but I hate it.
Beckett hums in quiet understanding, sounding almost out of breath. I smile sadly, and he notices it. I sometimes think he notices everything about me.
“Cass, wecanstop,” he reminds me, always so patient. “Wecantake things slow, like we talked about. I’m fine with just kissing you.”
“Please, I really don’t want to just kiss.” I wet my lips and try to swallow around the lump stuck in my throat. “I’m not telling you to go faster either… I just. I just want to feel a little good for once.”
His forehead touches mine, and I still. Feeling too vulnerable to speak again, I take a deep breath and look at our chests combined. Beckett moves, readjusting his weight so he won’t hurt me, and I… I hesitate, not wanting to force his hand on this either. Kissing, having sex, and exploring whatever this is are all things we both need to want to do together.
It can’t be just me.
I don’t want a repeat of what happened with the other boys. I also don’t want to be the desperate girl who wouldn’t stop kissing Beckett in his car. This is how things should have been all the other times too, but I couldn’t wrap my head around the concept entirely. Maybe I’m starting to, just now, even if it hurts a little to try.
“What do you need?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are my fingers okay?” Beckett asks me, sounding every bit as affected as I am.
“I… Maybe, yeah.”
“Okay, let’s try. Do you want me to take my clothes off?” Beckett asks, his eyebrows furrowing with confusion. “Would it make you feel more at ease?”
I’m immediately soothed.
The sound of his voice drives me insane, forcing me to choke out the tiniest sound of sadness because I can’t stand how warm my body already feels when we barely even started.
I like it.
I like this version of sex already.
