Page 305 of As the Rain Falls
“Do you even want him to be at this point?” her question comes out automatically, like this is just as simple as me deciding that I get to have Beckett. “You, Cassandra Rivera, get to have things in this world. But if you really want him, you’re going to have to trust yourself a little.”
“But…”
“Come on! Beckett is lucky to evenbreathethe same air as you do!” she emphasizes her words, sounding so certain of it. “And besides, girls like us don’t wait for a happy ending to come to them. We make them happen, don’t we?”
And I don’t say anything, but my heart sings it for me.
I do want him.
I do, I do, I do.
Angelina sighs tiredly, catching up air before speaking again, “Stop letting other people get in your way or make you feel like you’re not up to the task… Oh, look. He’s staring at us again!”
What?
“Don’t make that face, Cassandra,” she deadpans. “It’s, like, really pathetic.”
“I’m not!” I drop her hand, feeling my cheeks blush.
Angelina rolls her eyes, but her gaze softens when she sees that I’m not actually kidding. Idofeel desperate. I don’t know how to navigate all of this without losing my goddamn mind. I’ve never done this before, and neither has Kayla. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing.
“I’m sorry, Cassandra, but someone has to say it.” She bites her bottom lip before adding, “Beckett stares at you whenever you’re not paying attention.”
He does?
“He’s been doing it consistently ever since you two got here. I’m getting fucking diabetes just from watching it happen.”
Beckett crosses his arm over his chest, blond hair flying each way as the breeze picks up. He’s shirtless, wearing nothing but khaki green swim shorts, and the color fits really nicely against his tan skin.
I wet my lips, knowing he was just as naked when I woke up this morning, remembering how hot his skin felt to the touch. We’re so intimate when nobody else is around, touching, kissing, talking about everything, but it never occurred to me that our closeness is something others can notice this much or that we’re just as clingy around our friends.
That’s when I see him glance at me from afar, checking in on me even as Olivia keeps on talking, his fingers restlessly tapping against the curve of his elbow. It’s a nervous tic of his. Beckett has so many of them. He touches his hair, scratches around his finger, bites his lower lip until it bleeds. I’m starting to keep a mental list.
I want to be so good.
A good friendanda good partner.
A girl who doesn’t get jealous just because her boyfriend is talking to another girl. It all starts with confidence, which is something I seem to lack.
Beckett extends his arms towards me, an invitation for me to join them in conversation. I want to go after him, but I don’t want to face this ugly emotion taking root in my chest. It’s way too much for me.
“He only has eyes for you, dumbass.” Angelina gives me a gentle nudge, pressing her hand to my lower back. “Now, get out of my sight before I start to puke all over you.”
ASK & YOU SHALL RECEIVE
Beckett
FEBRUARY 2017
I’m listening to OliviaSaint-Louis talk about her boyfriend’s house project, and it’s taking everything in me not to stop the conversation abruptly and leave her hanging.Sometimes, I’mwaytoo good at pretending to be interested.
I mean, no offense, but the girl I like is wearing something that makes me have very loud, distracting thoughts, and Olivia won’t stop talking. In all our years studying together at Sainte Madeleine, I never really took Olivia for a chatterbox. She seemed quiet, maybe even shy around me. Clearly, I just wasn’t paying enough attention.
Cassandra walks towards to us, her hair flowing down her back. Her skin is glowing under the sun, and whatever oil she coated her body with earlier today is making me want to bring her closer and press kisses until she’s—
Anyway, it’s a bad train of thought to have when we’re around other people. We agreed on not going any further than kissing and messing around for now, but we’ve gotten so good at doing just enough to leave me wanting more.
And the thing is, I like to want more.I like not to go there.I like to wait and hold myself back, to feel the need to pause when we’re making out, and take a step back and breathe.I like to feel eager, restless, and impatient for her.
