Page 242 of As the Rain Falls
“It’s pink.”
She touches her lips with her fingers, trying to bite her nails. I pull her hand away from her mouth, and Cassandra touches my face, then my neck. A second passes, the only sound being the beating of our hearts syncing together.
Finally, she leans in, her forehead pressing against mine.
“I feel hate, Beckett,” she says, eyes flickering back and forth, as if looking for a way out. “I hate everything too much. It’s all I ever feel.”
“What do you hate?” I ask, trying to keep her entertained.
“Me,” she grits out. “I hate myself so much.”
“Why?”
Something in me shatters almost instantly. I don’t know what it is about us, but I can’t help but absorb her emotions until they become mine. Until everything is too loud, too strong to bear. Her thumb brushes against my bottom lip, applying enough pressure to make me flinch. I feel the moment she starts to break. Cassandra shakes her head from side to side.
“I did everything he asked,” her whisper comes out regretful, haunted. My previous question gets ignored. She leans into my touch instead, eyes so sad. “All I ever did was consider him.”
“Caleb?”
She shakes her head quickly, eyes locking with mine.
No.
If not him, then…
Her hands go from my shoulder to my abs. I circle her wrist with my hand, stopping her from going any lower.
“I want… Ineedeverything to stop,” her voice trails off, unsure and scared. “Will you help me?”
I frown. “How?”
“Make everything stop.” She touches my wrists, bringing my hands to her waist. “I just need you.”
“You have me,” I swallow hard, feeling her desperation as her hands tighten around mine, forcing my grip. “How… How can I help?”
Her gaze lifts, eyes becoming slightly blurry. “Like this.”
She leans closer, not leaving me any time to pull back. I gasp, feeling her lips brushing against mine before her touch becomes more aggressive and impulsive.
Almost everything about this is wrong. Not her, never her, but the timing is. This is wrong. Unsure on how to react, I let her have her way at first. She leans closer, kissing me, and I kiss her back.
Cassandra sighs into the kiss, sounding both intoxicated and vulnerable. It’s something chaste, soft, and harmless. No tongues involved. It’s not in any way, shape, or form romantic either. It’s a kiss given and taken for comfort, in the same way friends hug, and people eat their favorite foods. But then, her hips are pressing against mine, and I feel my body start to stiffen.
“I’ll be good like… like last time,” she promises after pulling apart, smiling now, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “The nurse won’t hear a thing, I promise.”
I watch her get off me, shock coursing through my veins.
“I’ll keep quiet,” Cassandra says, and it doesn’t even sound like she’s speaking to me anymore. “It won’t hurt.”
Then, Cassandra starts to lower herself, and realization dawns on me of what she’s about to do, and what I’m about to let her have.
It disgusts me.
I can’t do this to her.
It’s not fair.
It’s selfish thinking, and she doesn’t deserve it.
