Page 228 of As the Rain Falls
Her face falls, and I flinch as her delicate features harden with confusion and hurt. She says nothing in response.
“You know I didn’t mean it.”
“Yeah, Cassie.” Kayla sighs. “That’s the problem.”
I keep on sobbing, not knowing what else to do with myself, waiting for her to at least acknowledge what I’ve said. I just desperately need to know we’ll be okay no matter what. I can distance myself from Kayla, but I can’t lose her. Not completely. She’s the one person I still care about, even if I’m not exactly the best at showing it.
Her lips part once, twice, but no words come out. Kayla shakes her head and looks away from me, facing the road. My apologies have no effect whatsoever.
HOW IT ALL FALLS DOWN
Cassandra
JANUARY, 2017
A week later, myreputation is not just a reputation. It’s facts, all probably thanks to Zach and his big mouth.
School’s back in session, but I’m skipping class. Texting boys, just to see how many of them will respond and what they’re thinking about me. Spending nights staring at the ceiling, tryingnot to hurt the parts of me I hate the most. Crashing at people’s houses whenever I can, always paying the same price.
I’m ignoring everything and everyone, really.
Caleb and Nathaniel are so far down my list of unresolved issues that what happened doesn’t even matter anymore.
Everything is just another bad experience I carry in my pocket. Another bad night I don’t want to think about. I am fading, and everybody can see it. They’re all watching it happen. I’m letting them do it.
I blink, and the days pass me by without me noticing, hours dragging. I don’t have a fucking clue what’s happening in my brain anymore. A quick search tells me that it’s a depressive episode, mania, and three different diagnoses that I don’t understand enough about.
The first day goes as quickly as it comes.
The second one starts with my phone blowing up with random texts, each one more malicious than the last. People have it out for me, apparently. I’m not a good person at all. I keep saying things and doing things that make my classmates feel really mad.
I try to understand what’s happening, but I’m not even able to click on my profile before my phone starts to shut down. If I walk into a room, people stare, whispering to each other. If I raise my hand to ask a question, I hear the snickering behind me.
Kayla is hours away now, traveling overseas to compete, and though we text back and forth for support, it doesn’t feel quite the same. I need my best friend here, by my side, standing with me. I’m paranoid, thinking she hates me and our friendship is falling apart. Everything I know and hold dear is slipping from my grasp.
Me: do you ever feel tired?
Beckett: Sometimes
Are you okay?
Me: i don’t know
can I call you after school?
Beckett: Of course
Don’t go out tonight
Come see me instead
I think about saying yes because I remember just how safe I felt in his arms. When Beckett hugged me, none of the bad feelings even mattered. He pushed them all away, turned them insignificant. I even felt good about myself for a second.
His sweetness makes me want to reach out to him, tell him the truth, but I don’t. I can’t. It’d be selfish, incredibly self-serving, to use him now that people are against me.
I did this to myself, and that kiss…
That kiss meantnothing.
