Page 197 of As the Rain Falls
I don’t think it is.
I think I should want this.
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.” He presses his forehead against mine, eyes soft and vulnerable. “I want to stay here with you.”
I try to grab one of the covers, nervously pulling it over my thighs to hide my naked body, but he grabs my hand instead, fingers threading through mine. I stare the way our hands look intertwined together as a bad taste rises to my mouth.
Under him, without my dress, I feel so naked. Caleb touches the sides of my face, forcing me to look at him.
“You’re just nervous.”
“I’m not nervous.” I swallow hard. “I’m scared.”
I want to tell him that I’ve never done this, but it’s not true. It’s not true and it pains me that it isn’t. I hate that it isn’t.
I turn my face to the opposite direction, feeling small under him, not wanting to stare at him. I’m scared his eyes will disappear, replaced by another’s. If I blink, and Nathaniel is on top of me, it’ll kill me.
“I know, but it’s just me, Cassie,” he promises, speaking gently. “You know I won’t hurt you.”
I nod quickly, still thinking that he might.
Caleb kisses the corner of my mouth, then my neck, his tongue lapping over my skin and trailing lower, tracing a path from my collarbones and stopping over the swell of my breast.
His touch makes me feel so out-of-breath, it’s like insanity.Small nails scratching my waist, making me moan his name.
My eyes quickly start to blur. I blink hard, trying to make sense of everything happening around me.
Goosebumps are a good sign, aren’t they?
Like flame-colored butterflies, it’s all beautiful if you look at it in the right way.
So what if he’s almost getting back together with his ex?
So what if I knew this would happen?
So what if I feel empty after this?
So what if it feels like I’m setting myself up?
Because I am setting myself up, aren’t I?
No.
No, I’m not.
I just want to feel something.
I don’t want to hurt myself, I just want to taste the tiniest bit of freedom. There’s nothing wrong with me.
I’m normal.
I’mfine.
I really am.
Caleb stops kissing me for a moment, holding my face closer to his.
“You okay?”
