Page 155 of As the Rain Falls
He ignores her. “We’re going home. I’m just going back inside to warn Dad.”
And that’s when I picture, very clearly in my head, how tonight is going to end. Because now, well. Now Nathaniel is mad at the one person he likes to blame for everything wrong in his life.
Me.
A flip happens deep inside, and I feel my chest squeeze so tight with fear. My every single thoughts become about how to make him less angry. I need to prove that I’m not against him. Really, I’m his sister. Our bond is more important. It has to be. He won’t hurt me just because of this. It’s all clearly such a huge stupid misunderstanding.
“Nathaniel!” I call after him, wanting to apologize, explain, say something.
Anything that will make this better. I need him to forgive me, to see that I’m not against him. I’m on his side. I just need him to stop making things harder for the both of us. Why couldn’t Beckett just…
I spin towards, watching as confusion clouds his gaze and realization dawns on him that I might not be angry at my brother after all. My lips part, all the wrong words coming out.Nathaniel’s voice grows louder in my head, his words forcing me to believe something that I know isn’t fair or true, but I’m suddenly confused because nothing is making sense anymore.
All I know is this fear building up inside of me, telling me I canneverchoose Beckett over my brother again.
Forget about the boy from the playground, Cassandra.
You don’t like him.
You’re so stupid and desperate.
He’ll go to Elementary next year and he won’t ever think about you again.
He won’t remember you.
I’m all you have.
He only wants to fuck you.
Jesus, look at you watching him play again.
Aren’t you tired of being this needy?
“Why did you have to do this? Couldn’t you just let me deal with this?”
“He had my sister’s—”
“So what?” I choke on my own words, disbelief burning in my veins.
He blinks hard, as if stricken. “So what?”
But the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me.
I said it.
Yeah, I said it.
So what?
So fucking what?
Lucia is dead, but I am alive. I’m the one who has to go home with Nathaniel—who has to deal with the actual repercussions of all this. And every bit of humiliation my brother suffers always comes right back to me. Tonight was a breakthrough for Beckett. But for me? It’s going to be a beating.
Beckett stares at me, like he can’t believe what he just heard. The breeze feels so cold, wrapping all around me.
“Really?” his voice is hoarse. Broken. “Really, Cassandra?”
His disbelief guts me, but the words are already out there. I’m making it worse, turning them uglier.
