Page 84 of As the Rain Falls
I’m not allowed in his, either, for that matter.
We’re not supposed to talk about it, either.
Not ever again.
The failed attempts to get him a proper diagnosis that our parents never followed through, my grandparents on my father’s side, that night. It’s all uncharted territory.Everything needs to be forgotten, that’s what she told me. And I did; I forgot. It’s all gone, and it doesn’t matter. When I ask, Mom never really tells me what it was, thatthingwe used to do. And what I remember of it is not true; it can’t be.
It’s not possible, because I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t be that person, not ever. I wouldn’t say those things. I wouldn’t be stupid enough to let him drag me to the park and his room and let him do those things to me, either. It’s probably just some fucked-up way for me to deal with what happened back when I was thirteen.
It’s not real.
It’s all made up.
I’m sick in the head for even considering it.
But what if…
No. Stop.
Just…Stop.
“I will.” He presses a hand to my cheek, forcing me to look at him. His touch makes me shiver, but it doesn’t feel like anything good. “You miss Mom, don’t you?”
“I do,” I answer, swallowing nervously and trying to change the subject. My head is starting to hurt, and I can tell the headache will follow me all day if I don’t go back to sleep right now. “She told you to call her later today.”
“Okay.” Nathaniel nods, moving away from me.
“I’m sorry she’s dying, Nathie. I really am.” I sigh, pushing away the thoughts that are starting to make me nauseous.
My throat feels a little too dry.Weirdly enough, seeing him so sad, I feel this deep urge to console him, but I don’t know how to. I don’t know how to make him feel…
Make him feel good again.
It feels like I should be doingsomething.
I just can’t bring myself to say what that somethingis.
Enough.
Stop.
Stop thinking about it.
I think Nathaniel scares me more than anyone else in the world. I don’t like him or the way he looks at me. It’s too dark. It makes him look like a monster, and I feel so weak in comparison.
He doesn’t look back as he walks to the door.
“Yeah, Cassie. I know you are.”
TEXT CHAINS BETWEEN FRIENDS: PART FIVE
NOVEMBER, 2016
Cassandra: OH MY GOD
beckettttt
beckyyyyyyyyy
