Page 82 of As the Rain Falls
My chest tightens as I wait.
When she finally does, her voice is soft, careful, “I don’t think so, sweetie.”
I almost choke with sadness at first, but the words still spill from my mouth after a quick cough.
“I… I really don’t know what to say.”
My throat burns. I press my hand against it, like that might stop the ache from spreading. It doesn’t. Everything burns, from my lungs to my eyes, and it doesn’t stop.A shaky inhale on the other end of the line is the only indication I have that this call isn’t over.
“I’ll keep you updated, okay? I just had to talk to you because I don’t think I’ll be home for Christmas this year.”
“Okay.” I nod. “I understand. It’s not like we’re doing anything special this year.”
My seventeenth birthday couldn’t have come at a worse time.
“I might go out with my friends if Dad allows me to.”
“I’ll talk to him about it, but listen,mija. I need you to be good,” Mom says gently. “Try to help your father. Keep Nathaniel in line. Take care of the house.”
“Of course.” I nod again, even though she can’t see me. I know what she means. She wants me to do what she can’t. Be strong for the family while we wait for her return. “I miss you, Mom.”
“I miss you too, so much. Cassandra,” she hesitates, like she doesn’t want to hang up any more than I do. I cling to her every word. Momnevercalls me. “Tell Nathaniel to call me later, okay? I really need to talk to him about visiting us soon.”
My voice wavers as I answer, “I will. I promise.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
The line clicks dead.
“Grandma is going to die.” I swallow hard, waiting for my brother to say something. “I don’t think she has another year left in her.”
The silence feels too loud.Nathaniel isn’t speaking. He’s just sitting there, staring at me. I set the phone down slowly on my lap. It feels heavier than it should. Neither of us moves. I don’t know what else to say.
“It should be me, not her.”
Yes.
As soon as the thought comes to me, I start pushing it down. He is my only brother.Nathaniel is my blood. No matter what happened, I can’t be wishing death on him. It’s wrong. I’m a terrible person.
“Don’t say that,” I gasp, astonished. “Nathaniel, please don’t say that.”
“It should be me,” he repeats himself, a single tear dropping from his eye. “Don’t pretend that it’s not true. I know you wish it was me too. I can see it on your face.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Youhateme,” he emphasizes. “Just like she told me you would.”
It reminds me of before, if only for a minute. My brother looks younger under the poor lighting, and the lines at the corner of his eyes are softer, almost youthful. It makes something inside of me ache for the memory of the younger boy I once knew.I don’t think there are any traces of him left.
Slowly, I move towards him, setting the heavy covers aside.
“It’s not like that.” I shake my head, willing him to understand that in spite of everything, I’d never wish for him to be gone forever. “I just find it hard to trust you. You’re very mean to me.”
“But we both know why I do it. You don’t listen. You make things difficult,” he points out, drying his face with the back of his hand. “How can you hate me when I care about you this much? Is this only because of what happened that night?”
“Idon’thate you. You’re my brother,” I state categorically, mostly trying to convince myself. “And we shouldn’t be talking about this if Mom is not here. She wouldn’t like it.”
