Page 54 of As the Rain Falls
He twists it into something ugly, like I am this easy girl who is just tempting him at every twist and turn. Because no matter what I do or don’t do, nothing will change the fact that his eyes linger.
It’s been three years, and theystilllinger.
If I try to look back, it’s hard to remember a time when they didn’t.
“That’s enough, Nathaniel.” Dad presses his hand over my head, and I shake in his arms. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
But Nathaniel doesn’t stop. He can’t stop. He has to make everything worse every single time. It’s our punishment for what happened, for the things he did to me and the things we did together.And I can’t stop him; no matter what kind of pull I seem to have is not enough. It’s never enough. I’m not enoughto tame the ugliness inside of him. I’ll never make him feel good enough, not unless I—
“She’s going to turn out to be a fucking mess. Just watch and see it happen. And you’re just letting her do whatever the fuck she wants, all because she’s clearly your favorite!”
Dad cuts him off, “Enough!”
But my brother keeps going.
“But I can’t do anything, right? Because she’s your protégé, but I’m the big bad guy for pointing out that soon enough your daughter is going to be passed around like a fucking blunt. I mean, just look at her!”
“Oh, Jesus. Stop yelling in my fucking ear, boy!” My father pushes me to the side and walks up to Nathaniel, giving him a loud slap in the face.I place my hand over my mouth to avoid letting out a gasp, watching him raise his arm to do it again.
The room starts to spin.
Why can’t they stop?
I just want to make us dinner.
I just want to go back to earlier today and think ahead.
“Stop!” I sob, taking a step forward towards them. “Stop fighting!”
“Shut up!” my father roars at me, and I shut down.
In fact, Ifeelevery bit inside of me shut down too.The room gets darker as my vision starts to swing, anxiety taking over me. I gasp for air, but nobody sees it. They’re too caught up with arguing about me to help me.I grip my chest and ribcage protectively, counting the wild beats of my heart.
Shots are fired.
Nathaniel throws some more accusations my way, but I can’t say anything. I can’t defend myself. I’m terrified. Absolutely terrified.
“Now, if I can get a little bit of peace and quiet, we can order something. Or you two can move your lazy asses and go buy us some fucking tacos at Silvio’s, or whatever.”
My father pauses, his gaze landing on me next. Whatever he sees in me pisses him off once and for all.
“Why are you still crying, Cassandra? Stop crying!” his voice rises. “Why don’t you stop crying all the fucking time?”
I drop my gaze, feeling embarrassed about my reaction. Because I can’t control myself either. I can’t make myself stop.
“That’s enough, okay? Your mother babies you way too fucking much.” My father yanks off his suit and tosses it on the counter.He starts to move around the kitchen, moving the broken pieces of glass with his foot.I stare at him, watching him scowl at the mess. “Argh, look at this!”
Nathaniel crosses his arms over his chest as he looks at Dad. I wince, almost feeling guilty for him. Actually, I feel bad for both of us. I keep failing this family. I keep failing them because I exist, making things harder than they should be.
Swallowing down the knot in my throat, I try to think of what to do to fix this.
“We can order in,” I suggest, now addressing my brother. “Like Dad asked us to.”
“I—I don’t know how to place the order,” my brother admits, sounding almost ashamed of his incompetence. “Can’t you do it?”
“I…” I trail off, chewing my lip nervously. Silvio’s is my favorite spot, and I always order in when I can. I even know the menu by heart. “I have the printed menu somewhere in my room.”
Dad nods at that. His green eyes, which are so much like my own, soften momentarily. He studies me, noticing my pathetic state. I think he can tell that I want a way out of this mess.
