Page 52 of As the Rain Falls
He did.I’m almost certain of it, but doubt in now creeping in anyway. It always does. The thing is, I would have done it for sure if he’d asked me to. So maybe, he really didn’t.
I try to swallow again and fail at it, now watching him move from one part of the kitchen to the next, slamming things, messing with the chairs, dropping his keys on the counter, and leaving the Tupperware next to it.I’ve never seen him look so annoyed before, especially not about house chores. Nathaniel usually doesn’t care about cleaning or cooking. My stomach twists, knowing nothing good will come from this.
“Maybe I forgot.”
“You think?” my brother asks, eyeing me again with some sort of disdain. “Is the pasta done?”
“I didn’t know we were eating pasta,” I answer quietly, my voice coming out so small. I start to move my arms around my body to hug myself in a protective way, trying to shield myself from him in the best way I can. “I thought maybe you’d want a salad instead.”
Nathaniel exhales sharply, placing his hand over his hips and looking at me like I’m a good-for-nothing, completely hopeless.And the look in his eyes… God, it makes me want to disappear, vanish off the face of the earth. His disappointment is too much for me to bear.
I don’t know why I care so much about what my brother thinks of me, but every single time I see his disapproval, it kills me deep inside just a little bit.It’s even worse than Dad rejecting me. I just want to please him.I need to.
It’s like, what is wrong with me now that wasn’t wrong before? A stupid, silly thought to have but it comes to mind, anyway. He used to really like me, right? There had to be a point in time when we got along better than this, but while I… I don’t want to go back to whatever we had before because I certainly don’twant to rememberthatnight, I still wish I could stop making mistakes.
Maybe then, he wouldn’t feel the need to hurt me.
“Look, I’m sorry. I got really distracted today; there’s just so much to do at school.”
Seeing him hate me this much is making me start to doubt how I’m recalling things. Did I really forget to cook the chicken? Maybe I did. Even so, I definitely didn’t do it on purpose.
“You really want me to believe you were doing homework?”he scoffs, opening the fridge to check what’s inside of it and slamming it shut right after.
My phone buzzes, a new message coming in. I grab it quickly, trying to hide it in my pocket, but he sees it anyway.Nathaniel points a finger at it, his eyes crazed.
“Who is that?”
I think fast.
Too fast.
“Kayla. Who else?”
“You think I’m stupid, or something?”
“No, I don’t,” I soften my voice. “Please, just calm down.”
“Calm down?” Nathaniel sneers, stepping towards me. “Is it a boy?”
“No!” I shake my head desperately. “I’m not talking to anyone.”
“You were supposed to do this. Dad’s here, there’s no food for him, and now I’m getting pissed.” His steps are fast and nervous, downright explosive. I immediately try to make myself small, shrinking my body, pressing it against the wall. “Are you happy now?”
“I said I’m—”
He takes the Tupperware with all the raw chicken breast inside and hurls it at me. I don’t have the time to dodge it. It hits the left side of my face. The bottom part is made out of glass, thickand heavy, and when it falls down, the glass splits and shatters everywhere. All the food spills on the floor, the smell of garlic and black pepper overwhelming my senses, burning my nose.
“Don’t do that!” I cry, staring at the mess. “Don’t do that, Nathaniel! What are we going to eat?”
“What are we going to eat?” my brother mocks my tone. He sounds so rude, so cruel. “Stupid fucking cunt!”
He steps forward, raising his arm again and stepping on the chicken. I drop to my knees to pick the pieces of glass off the ground, my hands shaking as I do so.I’m not even that scared, just nervous and overwhelmed. I hate when he does this, when he gets in these moods. My brother used to be less violent before our father sent him away. Now, he is just plain destructive.
“We don’t have anything else, Nathaniel!” my voice cracks, and tears stream down my face.“It’s all wasted now, when I had already seasoned it! We just had to get it in a casserole or something. Why did you do this?”
Nathaniel grabs my hair and yanks me up, fingers twisting around the nape.
My scalp burns.
