Page 376 of As the Rain Falls
I blink, staring at the ceiling. “Nathie!”
The bed dips next to me.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, feeling scared.
“Can’t sleep,” he tells me, slipping under the covers.
His hair is freshly washed, and a scent of soap and warm water lingers on his skin. I smell it when he pulls me into a hug and buries his nose against my neck.
“Mom won’t like this,” I cry and try to shoo him away, but Nathaniel is having none of it. “She probably heard you coming in.”
“I locked the door.”
“Okay, but I don’t want to play anymore,” I whisper, my voice so quiet. I sound too young. Too scared. “I don’t like it.”
“Why not?”
“It feels weird.” I shrug, not knowing how else to explain it. I can’t voice my thoughts, not to him. It’ll only make him feel upset. “You’re my brother. It’s wrong.”
I never feel good after, not anymore.
I feel dirty. I feel dirty and ugly.
He’s supposed to know this.
I blink again.
Didn’t it just happen…
I thought…
This doesn’t make any sense.
This can’t be real.
I’m too young.
It can’t be real.
Why can’t I…
God, no.
No.
Stop.
The memory goes away.
I can breathe again.
“You think touching me, hurting me, and controlling me was normal?” I ask heartbrokenly. “Nathaniel, I was a kid!”
He yells back, voice vacant. “No, I never hurt you. I never did anything you didn’t want me to. Sometimes, you even came to me first. You wanted it. You just need to remember everything.”
“Remember what?” My hands grip my shirt, and I feel the sting of my nails trying to dig into my skin over the fabric. “I was a baby! What the fuck did you even do to me?”
“You really think you can do this.” His confident expression becomes cold. “You really think you can just throw a party, kiss your little boyfriend, and pretend none of it happened?”
