Page 370 of As the Rain Falls
We slip into Mateo’s dimly lit balcony, and Beckett slides the white curtains and glass door behind us, closing it shut.
His hands cup my face, tilting it towards him. I feel the weight of his lips against mine as he kisses me, and I melt into it immediately.
“You’re acting quiet.” Beckett presses another kiss to the corner of my mouth, right before pulling apart. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I chuckle sadly. “I’m just trying really hard not to ruin this.”
“Tonight?” he asks. “You’re not.”
“Yeah, I am.”
“Cass, just talk to me.”
I look up at the sky; how clear it seems above us. It’s the only thing I don’t hate about Le Port, how bright the nights are. Stars are shining as far as my eyes can reach, and the breeze is quiet today, almost nonexistent.
No noise.
Just us.
And he sees right through me.
“I feel like I might need help,” I admit, still not liking the thought of it. “Like, real help.”
“You want to…” he sounds a little surprised. “To go to the cops?”
“Yes.” I breathe out, but I don’t feel it.
My heart’s not in it.
I don’t feel ready.
I just feel hollow.
Pathetic.
Weak.
“I’m trying so hard, Beckett.” I shudder. “But every time I fix one thing, something else slips out of my grip.”
“Cassandra, I’ve told you this before. You’re going about it all wrong.” His hand comes to rest against my waist, smoothing out the wrinkles of my pink dress. “You don’t have to fix it all, baby. At least, not alone. Not when I’m here for you.”
I try to believe in what Beckett is saying because he sounds so sweet. I really, truly do. It’s just too hard.
“I’m doing this the only… the only way I know how to,” I stutter. “But I think I might need more.”
“More?”
“Yeah.” I close my eyes, holding back the tears threatening to fall. “You… You understand me, right?”
“Cass, you know I do.”
Beckett leans in, brushing his forehead gently against mine, and it’s this moment that does it for me.
I fall for him.
Heartbrokenly, I give him every last bit of me, even the pieces I’m sure he probably doesn’t want. And it’s all so fucking wrong, so fucking unnecessary—
“You’re the only thing that feels safe to me,” I try to say, crying now. I’m not making any sense. I’m spiraling all over again. “But I’m terrified that this is temporary, and I can’t…”
