Page 361 of As the Rain Falls
I don’t answer to that because I don’t trust myself not to say something stupid. The light turns green, but I don’t move yet.
A random car behind us honks. I press the gas pedal. It’s not until we’re far away from Sainte Madeleine that a wild thought crosses my mind, something that I know is wrong but also unavoidable.
What if I do kill him?
What happens after that?
I KNOW YOU
Beckett
MARCH, 2017
Cassandra turns away fromme, drying her tears and pulling down her ponytail.I watch her move through my bedroom with the kind of ease that only comes from familiarity, using my lip balm and combing her wild strands with her fingers.
Our eyes meet in the mirror after a moment of silence, and my chest tightens at the sight of the redness around her nose.
“I’m sorry,” I say. I’m feeling sick of myself for making her cry. She should’ve never be put in that position. “I’m sorry for what happened today.”
She looks away and pulls off her heavy sweater, revealing a baby blue Star Wars t-shirt underneath it. Something softens in me as I watch her fold the laundry on my desk because she knows I like to keep things tidy.
“Cassandra,” I call out her name, wanting to know what’s going through her head.
“Give me a minute,” she asks quietly, and I nod.
I sit on the edge of the bed, waiting for her, for when she’s done with all the nervous habits she goes through that I’m starting to memorize. She brushes her teeth, steals half of my hydrating lotion for her dry elbows, and paces in the bathroom because she’s scared. And once Cassandra is done, she flicks off the bathroom light, climbs onto my bed, and wraps herself around me so tightly I almost choke.
“I’m so sorry too.” She buries her nose in my neck, inhales deeply, and lets out the tiniest sigh of relief before fully collapsing in my arms. “I really hate that you’re getting caught up in the middle of this.”
“You don’t need to worry about me,” I promise, knowing I’m the last person to be in danger here.
I hold onto her, not knowing what else to do with my hands, and start to tell her my day at the farm through hushed words and weak attempts at humor, hoping to make her laugh.
It kills me that she’s in pain.It’s too raw, too physical, something I can’t shake.A side of us that’s too unbalanced.
“This is such a mess, Becky,” she whispers. “I feel like I’m ruining things between us.”
“It’s not your fault,” I remind her. “He’s the problem, baby.”
Her voice comes out sad, “It still feels like it’s my fault.”
“You’re just going through a lot.”
Cassandra goes quiet, pressing her lips together. I drag my hand up her back, working out the tension along her spine.
“Are we okay?” I ask her, wanting to be certain, feeling somewhat nervous about it.
“Yeah.”
She shudders on top of me, leaning in, shyly stealing a kiss. I slip my arm under her, pulling her onto my lap, angling her just to kiss her how she likes it.Her mouth tastes like peppermint-scented toothpaste, and when she sighs against my lips, quiet and certain, I know.The safety between us, the relief at being together, and even something more that neither of us wants to say out loud.
“Beckett…” Cassandra trails off. “About what Nathaniel said…”
“He was just trying to piss me off, Cass. Don’t listen to him.”
“But—”
“Hey.” I pull back slightly, keeping my voice soft. “But nothing.” My thumb brushes against her jawline, feeling her melt into my touch. “Baby, I know who you are. And I don’t care what he says.”
