Page 347 of As the Rain Falls
“Cassandra Rivera, listen to me.” Beckett rolls his eyes. He squeezes my hand over his beating heart, making me feel the steadythump-thumpthat won’t stop. “I’m going to feel you right here for a very long time, okay? And I don’t want it to be any different, ever again.”
“I…” Another stubborn tear slides down. “Even if it’s difficult?”
His thumb brushes against the side of my face. “Even if it feels impossible.”
“And wrong?” I can’t help but ask. “What if it starts feeling wrong?”
“I’ll take my chances and wait it out until it feels right again.” Beckett pokes my nose, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Us against the world, huh?”
“That’s so juvenile.” I pout. “But I feel the same way sometimes, and it’s so weird. I feel like no one knows me like you do, and then it’s like…”
“What am I even thinking?” Beckett finishes off my sentence. “I sound crazy? This isn’t normal at all?”
“Yeah.” I lick my bottom lip, tasting him still. “Because we are. I’ve really never felt that way about someone before.”
I could love him, too. We could learn from each other. Learn how to do this in the right, healthy way. I could find a way to shake my past, let it become this dormant thing that no longer swallows me whole. Make it become just a heartache, and let it heal.
“I haven’t thought about Nathaniel in hours.” My mouth falls open. My heart skips. My stomach twists. “You made me forget.”
Beckett groans jokingly, presses himself against me, and drags me back down. “Let’s not talk about him unless we really have to.”
“But it’s insane how,” I laugh brightly. “I’m so happy!”
“Mn.” I feel wet, sloppy kisses all over my face. “I’m happy too.”
I could go all the way with this boy. It’d feel good, I’m sure of it now. But it’s going to take me some time to get there. I still need to figure myself out. I’ve never had the chance to before. No one has ever given me the chance to.
My index finger brushes against his tattoo, reminding me of things I wish I could forget. It doesn’t ruin the moment, but it reminds me that I am a fraud. Lucia’s death is the last secret I’m keeping from the boy I love, too scared to lose him now that I finally got him.
In my defense, I almost flinch.
I almost truly do.
TEACH ME HOW TO SMOKE!
Cassandra
MARCH, 2017
L’Impassehas a clientele with a penchant for getting high, and whether the cops know about it or not remains a mystery to me.
Antony saved the day by befriending an older guy in the queue; otherwise, we wouldn’t be here. The guy knew a guy, who also knew a guy, and somehow, that meant we got in.
Points for Tony, I guess.
I’ve never thought about clubbing too much, mostly because it seems like the kind of thing older kids should be doing. It’s a cool place to visit, though, with dark neon lights coming from the ceiling and leathered walls that smell of smoke.
The barman is a guy in his mid-twenties with white- bleached hair and a no-bullshit type of attitude. He shoves weak drinks into our hands because he can tell that we shouldn’t be here. There is a silent beat between our group before I swallow a tiny sip. Something about the way he looks at me, trying to remember why my face looks so familiar, makes me giggle.
I’m the naked girl from Sainte Madeleine, I want to say. But Angelina drags me away before I can, while singing the lyrics ofFeds Watchingat the top of her lungs. Kayla is pretending not to be laughing at her.
“Drop top! Head bopping!”
The three of us are wearing matching black sleeveless dresses we paid half the price for at a store calledModa 2005that’s about to close. The fabrics are sparkly and skin-tight, but the tag at the back makes my skin itchy.
“Is that Irene?” Kayla gasps, waving her hand towards one of her dance friends. “Irene!”
She drops us to talk to her friend, and Angelina and I get lost on our way to the bathroom, giggling together like children.
