Page 336 of As the Rain Falls
“I really wish you wouldn’t say that.”
I blink, letting her words sink in. Every time we’ve talked about this, which hasn’t been all that many, Cassandra isevasive. Talks about the future, about graduation, and even our relationship at times still scare her. I don’t know what else to do to make her feel safe around me, and sometimes, it makes me feel doubtful, too.
What else is there to fear that I don’t know of?
But losing Cassandra is not an option. The thought alone, God. I want her to see me, to know me. I want her to know it all. I want our broken parts to fit together in a way that isn’t jaded.
“It’s Lucia, isn’t it? What’s making you so moody?” she asks quietly, confusion melting into a quiet sort of understanding. “Talk to me.”
Immediately, my throat closes up.
“She’s dead.” I let her feet touch the ground again, my voice hollow. “What else is there to say?”
“Beckett.”
Cassandra reaches for me, but I take a step back, the weight of everything slamming into me at once. Emotion starts to rise, every bad night, bad thought, and bad feeling adding up to one single moment.
It’s like my mind is a hallway with multiple doors, and every single one of them is shutting close as I try to get out. I keep reaching for the right key, the one that will set me free. Nothing works. None of them open.
She follows me in silence, and I can tell she feels confused. We reach the star fruit tree, and I sit myself down, dragging a hand through my hair. I hear her gasp as she reaches for a branch, shaking it until the fruit falls. Then, she picks one up and bites into it, uncaring if it’s dirty or not.
A few minutes later, she approaches me again.
This time, she doesn’t try to touch me.
“Baby… Do you want a bite?” her voice is gentle but unsure. Coaxing me, like I’m a child. “It’s actually a little sour and sweet at the same time.”
I shake my head, trying to keep myself from snapping at her.
Why do I want to snap at her?
I was feeling fine. I’ve been fine all day.
“What can I do?”
It’s the right question at the wrong time.
I can’t answer it because my tongue gets stuck in my mouth.
I don’t know. I should know. I have ways to deal with a bad day, but this feels worse. Too bad to handle. I don’t know if I should see a doctor. I don’t know if I should get medication. I don’t want to be treated as someone who is stupid, incapable of dealing with hard things.
“Can… Can you…” I frown, annoyed with the stuttering. I blurt out the next words in a rush, screeching them. “Can you cover my ears?”
“Okay.”
She drops fruit it, and cups my ears, pressing down until the world dulls. My eyes close.
“I’m buying you earplugs when we get back,” she says, kissing my forehead. “I looked it up online. Some people say it really helps.”
Earplugs.
Why the fuck didn’t I think of that?
All the tiny sounds of nature around us become muted. I listen to her breath, counting down the seconds until my eyes start to sting. It helps a little, no longer seeing anything.
A long time passes, and I only realize that Cassandra has been humming all along when she restarts the music for the second time. It’s a melody I know by heart.
Songbirdby Fleetwood Mac.
