Page 301 of As the Rain Falls
“Right.” He completes my sentence, touching his chest. I press my hand over his. “You feel me right here, but I feel you too, you know?”
“All the time, Beckett Evans?” I ask, a little breathless.
“All the damn time, Cassandra Rivera.”
Time pauses. I close my eyes shut. Beckett touches the sides of my face, tracing my features with his thumb.
“What if I… What if I’m never fixed? I’m so sorry!”
Normal about this.
Normal about sex.
Normal about wanting him, in spite of what was done to my body.
There’s something wrong about the way I perceive it. I don’t even understand what sexshouldbe about. It’s possessive and violent in my head, so unlike what I feel towards him. I can’t find a way that’s not impulsive, edgier, or won’t make me feel like I’m putting on an act.
“There’s nothing to apologize for, you don’t need to be fixed.” He gives me a quick peck, and I know it’s his way of softening the blow. “Let’s make it simple. Just tell me where your head is at. Do you want to do this? How far do you want to go when you’re with me?”
“How far do you want to take me?” I ask in return, still feeling a little scared.
When I open my eyes again, the terrible feeling washes away. Something new lingers in his gaze. It’s tenderness, patience, andanother word I’m not ready to face yet. A feeling stirs inside of me too, unfamiliar but slightly painful.
I’ve been so afraid being close would change everything, but what if it already has?
The right thing to do seems so obvious to me.
“I can’t have sex with you.” I press my lips together, feeling devastated. “I mean, I can’t have sex with you right now.”
“Good, because it’s a little too soon for me too.” He nods, careful and considerate. “You’re beautiful, trust me, I see it. It’s really not about that.”
“I know,” I say quickly. “I know it’s not about that.”
“Congratulations to us on not having sex,” he states with a big grin, like this is our number one victory. “Not until the time is right.”
“The right time,” I echo, trying to understand what that means to me. “What if I never want to have sex again?”
“Then I’ll learn how to take longer showers,” his deadpan delivery makes me giggle, a bunch of blonde hair falling over my face when I shift. “I mean it, though. I like sex. I like it a lot, even. I just won’t like it if my girlfriend hates it when she’s with me.”
Girlfriend.
Oh my… I’m about to become Beckett’sgirlfriend.
The word strikes me as odd at first, and I want to test it on my mouth so badly, but before I can properly pronounce it out loud, I start to feel too embarrassed all over again.
I’ve never been someone’s girlfriend before.
What if I suck at it?
What happens, then?
Do we fight about it and break up?
I don’t want to break up!
“I need you to stop texting other boys, Cassandra,” he adds, voice still soft. “And not just because I worry about your safetyaround those guys, but because I might get really jealous in a very embarrassing kind of way.”
My stomach flutters.
