Page 300 of As the Rain Falls
He winces, obviously feeling conflicted about just pushing this under the rug.
Wrong.
I’m saying the wrong things again.
“Is it so bad that I don’t want to talk about it?” I ask, scared that he’ll pull away from me now. “We’re having a good time. Can’t it be just that?”
Can I be kept in my happy bubble forever?
Where everything tastes like the pretty boy I like, sunshine, and the ocean?
“But you’re more than just a good time to me, Cassandra,” his voice is gentle, like he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. “I want to make you a priority. You feeling good about things and not getting lost in all this matters to me.”
“Did I force myself on you?” I ask again, my mind still blocked around the question.
“No, Cassandra. You didn’t,” he swears solemnly, bringing my knuckles to his lips and kissing each one of my hands. “You’re just a little nervous and a little confused. But that’s okay, because you can be both of those things when you’re with me.”
I swallow hard, trying to accept his version of it.
“I really didn’t do it?”
“Well, I don’t like to see you upset, but listen.” He laughs a little then, grips my wrists, and adds some pressure, showing me just how much stronger he is.
“Oh.” I blink, suddenly feeling a little stupid.
“It’s not just about strength, though,” he explains, leaning a little closer. “I want to kiss you, and I want you to kiss me, too. I don’t think I’ve ever liked anything that much before.”
My jaw drops in surprise. “Really?”
Beckett nods.
“And I trust you enough to learn to stop if either of us wants to, too.” He tucks my hair behind my ear. “It’s okay to not know what to do when you’re with me. I just think we should slow down a little. It doesn’t mean we have to stop altogether.”
“Oh.” I gasp. “I… I thought you wanted me to stop entirely.”
“No, I didn’t. But there’s ways to go about it. It doesn’t have to be all at once. It can be slow, too.”
Clearly, we’re having different takes on all of this.
Maybe itisa problem, me going at it recklessly.
Wasn’t I so eager for Caleb to slow down?
I’ve been ignoring what happened like the plague, but the memories are still fresh. If I stop distracting myself, the itchiness consumes me. The bad thoughts are my poison, but Beckett’s presence works like an antidote.
He keeps my demons at bay, and I feel addicted to the calm pulsing in my veins whenever he is around. When I’m with him, I feel a little invincible, like I can do anything and be anyone.
It’s total madness.
I’m high on sugar.
“You’re right.” I blink slowly. “I’m rushing it.”
His face is serious, like he’s absorbing every detail that I’m giving him and taking mental notes for later. Beckett is such a planner; he’s so deliberate in how he loves me.
“When I’m with you it feels—”
It feels like rediscovering a song I always skipped, only to listen to it once and immediately get hooked. He feels like the only logical answer that I’d forgotten to consider. Most importantly, Beckett surprises me in moments like this, when he’s so careful and tender. I haven’t been positively surprised in a long, long time.
