Page 289 of As the Rain Falls
Why did she have to cover for him?
“You really have a heart of gold, don’t you?” I whisper, my words cutting through his sobs. “But that’s not what I’m asking for.”
“What do you need?” He sounds so tortured, so utterly weak. “What can I do for you? How can I not…”
Rain carries our noises away—my sobbing and his—until we’re just two stupid people who won’t let go of each other. I’ve never had anyone I could be sad with, not until Beckett. He knows, he knows, he knows. And I want him to figure out the things I haven’t found about me yet, too.
It happens before either of us means for it to.
Beckett’s head lowers, and mine tilts up. My eyes stay open, watching him. Our lips brush, tentative. Seeking something.
“Beckett.”
I taste his name on my tongue, different this time. Maybe we shouldn’t. Maybe it’s not the right time. Maybe it will never be. Through all the pain and all the hurt, is it so bad to want to hold onto something?
“Tell me to stop,” Beckett whispers back, but he doesn’t need any words. He is searching for the answer in my face, my breath, and the beating of my heart in this space between us.
I should tell him to back off.
Jesus, I don’t deserve him.
I’m the reason why his sister died.
Me, my brother, and our ugly secret together.
I should tell him about her. I should—
Instead of doing any of that, I kiss him.
Slow. Chaste. This kiss is unlike any other kiss I’ve ever given before. It’s tentative and over before I know it. My lips are tingling, and a silent question is hanging in the air.
Can we do this again?
Beckett kisses me first this time around, just as softly just as delicately. He lays me down on the bed, and I pull him down with me, on top of me, needing his weight over mine to figure out how to breathe again.
“Is this okay?” he asks, wanting to make sure. “Can I hold you like this?”
I just want him to kiss me until I wake up again, remembering how to breathe for once.
“Yes.”
These hands won’t hurt me,I tell myself over and over again. And the best thing is, they never have.
Past and present, every version of Beckett has been inherently good to me. His touch right now feels like fire, igniting every inch of my skin, burning away all other touches before it.
Layer by layer, he heals me.
It’s under him that I am born anew.
TEXT CHAINS BETWEEN FRIENDS: PART EIGHTEEN
FEBRUARY, 2017
Cassandra: do you know aboutthat one coldplay song
green eyes i think?
Beckett: Yes, I listen to it all the time
