Page 285 of As the Rain Falls
His gaze makes me feel small, and I cover my face, shame curling deep inside me. I feel so ashamed for freaking out, and it only gets worse when I realize that I let him witness everything.
“What if we both sleep on the bed?” he proposes keeping it lighthearted and easy still. “Would you be okay with that?”
“I…” I glance at the bed beneath me, curling my knees to my chest. “It’s a big bed.”
“It fits both of us and Pepé.” He kisses my knuckles, nudging me to get me to lay down, and my breathing slows as I watch him manhandle me.
Beckett eases me towards the bed, tucking a pillow beneath my head. He makes sure I’m cocooned in warmth for the night before he slides into the bed, lies beside me, and turns off the lights. The covers are a bit heavier than what I’m used to, but the fabric still molds against my body perfectly.
Our shoulders brush as I shift, but the silence remains.
We’re just listening to each other breathe.
The darkness is somewhat comforting. I’m grateful he isn’t pressing me for answers. I’m terrified of what I might reveal if he ever does. I can see myself telling him things I never should. Things he wouldn’t be able to ignore.
It’s probably the thing I hate about myself the most. How I don’t hesitate when I see goodness out there. I just take it, like some kind of hungry ghoul. It reminds me too much of Nathaniel, and I feel selfish. Killing his sister wasn’t enough; now I need to drag him down with me, too.
And maybe Antony wasn’t wrong for doubting me so much. My brother and I, we’re both cut from the same cloth, aren’t we?
***
Sometime before the morning breaks, I open my eyes again. I’m tired but unable to fall back asleep. My heart always feels so restless. I’m getting really sick and tired of it.
After pulling my hair away from my face because the strands make my skin itch, I start to roll restlessly on the bed until Beckett reaches out, still asleep. His hands find the curve of my waist first, and after that, he pulls me in.
“Cass.”
My stomach tightens as he presses his nose to the back of my neck, mumbling something entirely incoherent just to calm me down.
“It’s ohmn.”
I swallow hard, willing myself not to give in.
It makes no sense to me, this desire to be close to this boy, to disappear beneath him. I should be afraid instead. I should be completely terrified of being around him, of keeping him this close. I shouldn’t be so blindly convinced that he is different from the rest.
I feel like I should run far away from him, but I turn around instead, facing him now.
“Stop… moving.” Beckett instinctively presses his arm against my back, hugging me to keep me from moving away. It feels warm and quiet when I’m entrapped in his presence. The good kind of quiet. “Smells so good. Like me.”
I blush, knowing he must be talking about my hair.
“You’re so pretty,” I whisper, only to spend the next ten minutes memorizing his face because it feels like something important. “So, so pretty.”
The prettiest boy in town.
I realize that out of all the bad memories I keep pushing down, this is the only sad one I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to ever forget him and how his fingers trace slow, absentminded circles on my back, making my skin shiver.
How his calloused fingertips feel so familiar and steady.
Safe, even.
These hands… These hands won’t hurt me.
I thought they would.
Every boy who’s seen me naked before has.
What a sad thought to have, isn’t it? To expect pain. To endure it just to be able to say with conviction thatyes, it does. Itdoespain you, and it makes you want to die, too.
