Page 283 of As the Rain Falls
I avoid as much as I can to let my fingers linger, but she still flinches, quietly pleading for distance.
As I lead her to the shower, making sure she won’t slip and fall, the water starts to fall above her head, and something about it makes her start to spiral.
Cassandra starts rubbing herself, her body. She does it quickly, compulsively, scratching her arms, stomach, and chest. Her gasps are these choked sounds of distress, and I just stare, feeling hopeless.
“Get him off!” she finally crumbles, green eyes glaring at me, begging me to do something. “Get him off me!”
“Cassie, hey.” I step forward, reaching for her arms when she starts tugging at her hair, pulling at the strands. “It’s just me.”
“Get him off, please! He won’t stop! Get him off me!”
Cassandra screams, eyes wide with panic, when I touch her. Water is soaking me now. Soaking her. I press her to the wall, grounding her to something real, pulling her arms down gently.
“Focus.” I cup her face next. “Just breathe.”
A hysterical laugh comes out of her, long and painful.
“I’m… I’m going to die.”
Not on my watch, no.
“Breathe, baby.” I focus on my own breathing, closing my eyes, trying to get her to follow my rhythm. “Let’s breathe together.”
She inhales sharply after me, and we exhale in unison.
“Where are you now, Cassandra?” I ask, my voice steady. I want her to calm down as soon as possible so I can get her to bed.
“Bathroom,” she says after a certain time, the fog of panic lifting just long enough for her to answer.
“Who am I?” my voice is soft and strong, grounding her.
She blinks hard, fighting her mind. “Becky.”
“That’s right.” I nod, keeping a smile on my face, but it’s so sad. “What else do you see?”
She looks around, suddenly absorbed by the soap. “Coconut.”
I nod again. “That’s right, coconut.”
Just like her shampoo.
“What else, Cass?”
“Tiles. Razors.” She touches my chest lightly. “You.”
“Keep breathing for me, okay?” I press a kiss to her cheek, breathing her in, too. “It’s just me and you.”
“Just me and you,” I hear her mumble after me, absorbing the information. “Just… just you.”
“Yes.” I nod.
“You won’t… You won’t hurt me?”
I promise, “I won’t hurt you, but I… Can I… I’m going to help you clean up now, but I still won’t touch you anywhere you don’t want me to, is that alright?”
The statement hangs in the air for another minute before Cassandra nods slowly, incredibly trusting even at her most vulnerable moment. I steady myself before I start to work in silence, acutely aware of how she’s watching me.
“I’m not looking.” I rise to press a kiss to the top of her head, knowing she needs to hear it. My words are the only thing keeping her in a state of safety right now. “Remember what I told you that one time? How I… I don’t see anything you don’t want me to.”
