Page 278 of As the Rain Falls

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FEBRUARY 2017

February starts, and everythingabout it feels bitter. I am trying to do better—at least, I’m trying. It’s… It’s just…

Texting a boy isn’t as difficult as it seems. Seducing him isn’t hard. Going to his house is easy. Every single step feels practiced now, like muscle memory.

I simply refuse to beg Nathaniel to open the door and let me sleep at my parents’ house tonight.

“Want to come to my room?”

André’s green eyes flicker with something tentative, almost nervous, and for a second I start to feel an ounce of premeditated regret.

Being here, with him, is a mistake.

I know that.

But I can do this; IknowI can.

“I’d like that,” I say, taking his hand in mine.

He opens the door, and I brace myself for it. His room looks like any other. It’s filled with posters, shelves, and an unmade bed. I get him to lock the door, to close the windows, and to stretch out on the bed, lying next to me.

“I’ve always wanted to ask you out,” he admits it lightly, unaware that it makes me want to vomit.

I smile, keeping my voice soft. “Really?”

“Yeah. I think you’re really beautiful.”

The words make me grimace a little, but his voice sounds so sweet that I fight against every muscle on my face to keep them neutral.

André isn’t like Caleb. He’ll be gentle. I can tell.

That’s why I kiss him first.

Then, I pull off his shirt.

“Wait. We don’t have to do this, Cassandra.”

“It’s okay,” I reassure him, my fingers pressing against his jaw. “I want to do it.”

“With me?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “With you.”

I make him lie on top of me. I make him want to take my clothes off. I guide his hands and his mouth, watching him jerk and tremble against me. I make him sweat until he’s panting, all along feeling nothing at all.

The way he pauses, enamored and out of his mind? I do that.

Until André goes ahead and ruins everything.

“You’re so tight.”

It’s an echo.

I’ve heard that one before.

And suddenly, I’m thirteen again.

I’m a stupid little girl fighting for breath as my stupid brother pins me down and rocks himself inside of me, making me feel…

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