Page 275 of As the Rain Falls
I try to push him, but he pushes me back.I’ve never, ever gotten physical with another person before. It’s the kind of thing I’ve always tried to steer away from, because my experience with my brother told me I could never win.
“What areyoueven talking about?“ I hit his right shoulder, just like he did to me. I can’t stop myself. I’m completely losing it. “I was doing fine out there, standing up for myself.”
“You were shaking!” his voice drops, like he doesn’t want anyone else to hear us. It’s quieter, but heavier. “Youareshaking, okay? I know you think you’re strong, but your body tenses whenever Caleb speaks in class!”
I shake my head. “That’s not true!”
“Yes, it is!” he snaps. “You can’t handle being around him.”
“I can handle it!” I lie, feeling the tears start to fall. “I can!”
Antony shakes his head at that, like I’m some snobbish brat. Ihatehim. “Like hell you can! He’s got you all figured out by now!”
I blink, feeling his words ricochet against me like a bullet. It’s the way he says it, like I’m some helpless girl who needs saving every single time, and Caleb knows that. But I’ve handled so much worse over the years, things he would never survive through in this lifetime.
Antony hasnoright to judge me.
“What about you?” I feel the corners of my mouth twitch, forming a smirk. “What about we start talking about the things you can’t handle? Let’s never mention Lucia, right?”
It’s a low blow, even for me.
The moment I say it, his face goes blank.Antony takes a step back, exhaling a short breath as he looks away from me.
And for the first time, he seems truly exhausted and angry at me. My stomach churns with both shame and regret, scared of what he’ll do.
“Tony,” I start to speak, but my voice is so small as I reach out to him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“Well, you clearly meant it a little.” Antony pulls away, glaring at me now. “You see,thisis precisely the problem with you. You’re not even smart about it. In fact, you’re two-faced as hell, Cassandra. You don’t let people in.”
“You have no right to judge me,” I explain, trying to go back and piece together my thought process. I wasn’t even angry at him. I just wanted him to let me go help my friend. “Especially not for being afraid of him after what he did to me.”
“So, you finally admit it?” he scoffs. “You’re scared of Caleb Monteiro.”
“I…” I blink, the fight starting to evade me.
“Just like you’re scared of me right now.” Antony steps forward, looming over me, like he wants to prove a point. “Just like you’re scared of your brother.”
A broken sound escapes past my lips, and I start shaking my head profusely.
“No.”
“Because you’re scared of him, aren’t you? Isawit.”
He points it out, and it doesn’t sound like he’s doing it to hurt me, but it still does. It hurts me so badly; I don’t think I’ll ever recover.
“That day, when we talked, you told us you disliked him. That was not a simpledislike, Cassandra. It was fear. You’re afraid of your own brother.”
“Stop,” I beg, shrinking against the wall. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
He steps back, watching me carefully, like he can’t fully trust me anymore. “But I’m talking about something, aren’t I? And now my best friend is involved. Forget about you being a bitch to Kayla; clearly she’s used to it by now. You think Beckett won’t get hurt if I tell him about what you just said?”
And I try, really hard, to understand him.
I really do.
But the thing is,I just don’t remember.
I don’t remember how it all started.I don’t remember being so terrible to Kayla. I don’t remember what I said, and now I can’t apologize about the things that I don’t remember. All I remember is the drawing, and Beckett’s voice, and going to sleep at thirteen hoping to watchGossip Girlin the morning only to get raped for an hour.
