Page 253 of As the Rain Falls
The wind combs through my hair as I make my way around town, thick and always so humid, sticking to my skin.
“I hate this town,” I whisper to myself, quiet and exhausted. “I hate… I hate everything about it.”
In my eyes, Le Port could be painted with watercolor. I see dots of blue and green and bright yellow bleeding into one another even if my blurred vision. It’s a beautiful place, with bits of nature here and there, sand always being carried by the breeze. I hate that I’ve never enjoyed being born here very much, never felt part of that beauty. Le Port feels like a prison to me.
Did Lucia think the same, too?
Did she hate this town as much as I do?
I go to the places I’ve known since childhood, retracing my earliest steps, gluing the pieces back together. It gives me perspective to watch people going on with their day, completely unaware that I’m falling apart.
I look back on every memory Caleb and I shared together, dissecting them no matter how unmemorable it all was. I didn’t love him, not even a little, but I wanted him. Or maybe I just wanted to be wanted. And all things considered, maybe I’m a little fucked up in the head for thinking like that.
Maybe every boy who comes my way right now, no matter what they do or how much I try, will only lead to heartbreak.
I could never be in a normal relationship, not without a lot of work and effort. And no one wants to do that, not with a girl who’s so washed up like me.
Beckett would, a sad voice whispers back.
I bury it deep inside, not allowing that innocent thought to take root.I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve him anymore, just like I don’t deserve anything good. Not anymore. Not after becoming what I’ve become.
***
By the time I reach my house, it’s late.
Port des Ondes is quiet; the streets are empty. Not even the breeze is here to keep me company anymore.
The worst feeling starts to bloom in my chest as I stare at it for too long, making my heart throb so bad. Immediately, I know that nothing good will come from me walking inside.
And while I desperately want company, the only person I want to talk to right now isn’t available. Beckett isn’t home. All the lights are out. When I knock on the door, no one answers. Not even Pepé.
I’m stuck. I have nowhere else to go tonight, not if I don’t want to deal with another guy wanting to take something from me I’m not willing to give.
Nothing could convince me to have sex right now.
Nothing can convince me to have sexagain.
Ineedto stop doing it.
I don’t want it, not anymore.
Quietly, I make my way back home, bracing myself for the worst. Once I’m finally inside, I drop my keys into our apple-shaped key holder. The sound of the radio hums from upstairs. Dad must be asleep by now, and the thought isn’t comforting.
“Cassandra?” Nathaniel’s voice echoes quietly in the dark.
I hesitate before taking a step towards the living room.
The floor creaks under my weight.
“What?”
“How was school?” He asks.
I smile humorlessly.
Are we really doing this now?
“Great.”
