Page 248 of As the Rain Falls
“She’s getting her education.” Angelina winks at me. “Learning a lot in the nurse’s office, aren’t you?”
I blush, feeling my heart speeding up. “You don’t even know.”
The mention of what happened between Beckett and me makes me feel so embarrassed. Ireallyneed to find the time to apologize to him for forcing his hand, but I don’t know how to do it. I feel a lot of guilt, and shame keeps me up at night, even. Kissing him that day was really embarrassing and wrong.
What does it mean that I’m unable to be normal about sex and boys?
That I start to get in my head, and everything feels too confusing?
I want it, but I don’t. I want boys to pin me down and hurt me until I bleed. I need their touch just to feel something real. I need to know if this is as good as it gets or if Nathaniel truly ruined me forever. I want to… As bad as it sounds, sometimes I think I want them to treat me just likehedid. Like, I want them to rape me, too.
It can’t be a rational thought, though. It can’t be. Because if it is, it must mean I wantedhim, too. And I can’t…
I don’t want that.
I can’t be that person or that girl.
Dirty.
Disgusting.
Sinful.
Kayla and Mateo glance at each other, not getting what this is about. Angelina shakes her head, waving them off.
“Oh, girl.” She smirks. “I think I do have an idea or two.”
We walk past the gates together, and I exhale a breath I didn’t know I’d been holding all along.
I’ll be fine.
There’s no way I won’t be.
None of this is real, anyway.
Not if I try to pretend hard enough.
THE CROWD ALWAYS KNOWS BEST
Cassandra
JANUARY, 2017
First class went aswell as I expected it to.
Some kids made jokes about it. The teacher barely acknowledged my presence, which I guess was done on purpose. They’re trying to squash this for now, not to turn it into another lesson on morale. I didn’t know how to feel about it while it was happening, and I still don’t know how to feel about it now.
What matters to me the most is how Kayla sticks to me even after I tell her it’s okay to relax. She’s my very own protective shadow, which I’m thankful for, because no one ever dares to go against her without expecting to hear something back.
“Don’teverlet them know you’re scared,” she whispers to me before taking her seat next to Alice. “You might be small in size, but you’re strong and brave.”
“Okay.” I nod.
“Sort of like a Disney princess,” she muses, mostly to herself.
I find myself giggling. It’s good to have friends like Kayla, who aren’t scared to speak up. She is a very good person. I really hope to be able to do the same for her someday, if I ever get the chance to.
The rest of the day drags for so long. I somehow manage to make it through the rest of the morning and start to feel more hopeful about the rest of the day. It really helps that none of the classes I have scheduled force me to be in the same room as Caleb, Maria, or Laura.
