Page 244 of As the Rain Falls
I should pull back, but I don’t do it immediately. I keep pulling her up a little, bringing her closer, molding her body to mine.
Cassandra sighs as I start nibbling at her lower lip with my teeth. She actually goes as far as curving against me, trying to make herself smaller. If she could disappear in my arms, into my body, I bet she would.
Indulging her feels like the wrong thing to do, and guilt pools down my stomach over allowing her this much. The longer we kiss, the more her body becomes pliant, soft, and calm. It’s not about pleasure; it’s about distraction. I could do anything to her right now, and she wouldn’t give a single damn about it. It wouldn’t matter to her, because she’s desensitized to what’s happening as soon as things get even remotely physical.
This isn’t normal.
I realize it as soon as I break our kiss, disgusted with myself. Feeling confused and tired, I lean back against the wall, watching her pant. Then, I take a step forward, burying my face against Cassandra’s neck, pressing my lips to her pulse.
“Stop.” I am the one who starts pleading this time. “Please, baby. Let’s just stop. I don’t want to do this to you.”
But I don’t want to ever let her go either. Not after seeing what I just saw, witnessing how far she will go just to feel a little better.
It’s too impulsive, and I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m suddenly so scared that she’ll get hurt again, somehow.
“Did I just force you to…” The corners of her lips stretch, forming a sickly smile. Her body is trembling. “I don’t know… I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore. I’m sorry.”
“Let’s just stop.”
“I’m so sorry, Beckett.”
“It’s okay, I don’t mind…” My voice comes out hoarse, so broken, but before I can finish my sentence or process what’s happening, the door flies open.
“Cassandra, sweetie. I know you’re, like, not feeling the best right now, but—”
Angelina’s carefully crafted mask falls, leaving her standing there, wide-eyed and shocked. She takes one long look at Cassandra’s disheveled hair, another at the redness around my lips, and makes an exasperated sound.
“Angie,” I start to say, pulling away from the blonde girl. “We weren’t doing anything.”
“Not now.” Angelina raises a hand up, urging me to shut up. She rolls her eyes at us but still asks. “The police want to talk to you, Cassandra. Should I tell them to wait until you fix yourself up, or are you coming with me right now?”
Cassandra shakes her head, taking a step towards the door. Our friend’s uniform is all creased where I held her.
“It’s fine.” She shrugs. “I’ll go talk to them now.”
The door closes behind her.
When I look back at Angelina, her eyes are locked on me. She crosses her arms over her chest, a small frown slowly forming.
“What was this?”
I start pulling myself together, adjusting my clothes, locking every thought about what just happened somewhere deep in my head and in my heart. No one needs to know.
“Please, don’t say anything,” I beg, not wanting to expose Cassandra. “It was nothing.”
“Don’t do anything stupid, and I won’t have to,” she warns me, raising one hand at me like a mother scolding her child. “You know something’s up with her, and yet you keep pushing it. Pushing her.”
“I’m not…” I grimace, regretting burning through me. “I’m not pushing her!”
“Wake the fuck up, Beckett!” Angelina shakes her head with disapproval. “It’s really cruel, what you’re doing. Now is not thetime to be thinking about getting your dick wet! Her father is literally outside yelling at all of us for something we didn’t do!”
I frown, feeling deeply offended. “I was not going to fuck her in the nurse’s office, Angelina. What the fuck?”
“You’re such a boy!” She picks up a pillow from the second bed and throws it at me, walking out while mumbling curses all along.“Que porra é essa?”
I take a deep breath, wondering what it all means.
What else is there to do that won’t make this worse?
