Page 243 of As the Rain Falls
I can’t be this person.
I won’t do it.
“Stop.”
“It’s okay, Beckett,” she insists, sounding lost. “I’m—I’m not nervous, and that’s all I’m… all I’m good for, anyway. That’s all he ever wanted. I…”
Her words sound more than horrifying to me.Whoever this girl is, she isn’t the one I know.Cassandra is starting to break, and while she does it, she is choosing something convenient to drown herself in, spend all pent-up energy, and forget about the rest.
“No,” I whisper, forcing her to rise to a standing position. I shake my head again, feeling my stomach tighten and my eyes start to sting. “No, okay? Let’s stop and talk about this because I… I don’t want to hurt you.”
I’m not saying no for myself.
I’m saying no for her.
I’m saying no precisely because shecan’t.
Because that’s what I need to do right now.
“Please?” she continues, insisting but sounding completely terrified and out of her mind. “I need this.”
“Cassandra, youdon’tneed this,” I emphasize, but no matter how soft my voice is, she still reacts like I’ve just slapped her. “You’re not okay, but I’m here for you. Just not like this, alright?”
Her world is falling apart, and I think I get it. Sex would be easy. The panic that’s eating her inside is making her take the wrong turn and, choose all the wrong choices.
But she doesn’t need to be touched. What she needs is to leave this place in one piece. She needs to be held, but not like this.
“Talk to me,” I plead. “Tell me what’s wrong, and I’ll help you. I’ll fix it. I promise, okay?”
She shifts, glancing at the closed door.
“I just… I just need quiet.”
“And you think this will work?” I frown, feeling confused. Has she done this before? Is this a recurrent thing? Who taught her that? “Cass, you’re not going to feel better by doing this.”
“I need it to stop!” she snaps. “Please, Beckett. If you’re not going to fuck me, then at least kiss me, or something, because I can’t be in my head right now.”
“Kiss?” I echo, sounding more confused than ever. “Cassandra, that’s not what I was—”
Her green eyes shine with a glint of defiance, and her fingers grip my shirt, pulling my head down and pressing her lips to mine again.
Deep.
Hard.
Wrong.
Cassandra brings her arms around my shoulders, circling my neck and pulling me closer. And then, I understand. This is safe for her, even if it only breaks my heart. It’s safe for her because it’sme. Because I won’t…
I won’t hurt her.
She gets to destroy herself, but Iwon’thurt her.
Not like this, not like Caleb did.
Whatever she’s looking for, she thinks she can find it in me. She’s wrong.I don’t want that.Ineverwanted it.
“More.” She pleads. “Please.”
