Page 226 of As the Rain Falls
No.
I will make sure Kayla hates you.
No one will believe you, Cassandra.
When you end up alone, really alone, you’ll feel what I feel.
You’ll remember everything and crawl back to me.
The thoughts start to get louder, and I feel so utterly confused about what’s real and what’s not because I don’t remember any of it happening. All I know is that the voice might be right; I can’t assume she’ll side with me just because. I really don’t know if I can trust her or myself anymore. If I did, I would’ve felt like telling her the truth, right?
But I don’t.
It must be a sign.
Olivia’s frown deepens as she stares at me through the rearview mirror.
“Did you even know him?” she asks. “This nice guy you fucked. Did you know him?”
“Yes.” I roll my eyes, annoyed. “He’s Zach’s cousin.”
“What’s his name?” Olivia presses, unlocking her phone. “How old is Zach’s cousin?”
And the thing is, I don’t know.
I didn’t ask.
I didn’t eventhinkof asking.
Actually, maybe I did, but I definitely don’t remember his answer now. It was not a thought I tried to keep in mind when I flirted with him back at the party, or when I got into his car, or when we stumbled into his bedroom to have sex.
“I’m calling your father.”
My heart drops. “What?”
“I’m not your mother, and he needs to fucking control you.”
“Please, don’t do this!”
My tone is quick, desperate, like when I get caught by Nathaniel doing something I shouldn’t.
“I won’t do it again, I swear!” I lie, shame coiling in my stomach.
Olivia stares at me, unconvinced. “Just like you didn’t want to do Caleb? Am I getting the story right, Kay?”
Kayla flinches as she sobs. “I came to you for advice, Liv. I didn’t tell you this so you could be a bitch to her.”
“I’m going to be grounded forever!” I cry.
I realize a little too late that my comment is the wrong one to make, because makes my friend circles right back and gets angry at me all over again.
“Grounded? Is this all you fucking care about right now?” Kayla exhales sharply, tears trailing down her face. “What if you got hurt? Cassandra, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“I was being impulsive!” I keep going, trying to get them to hear me out. “I swear, I won’t do it again! I don’t know what came over me!”
I know exactly what came over me. I want to do it all over again. I want to be under someone until it feels like it should. Caleb didn’t erase what my brother did to me, and I want to keep trying until Nathaniel is gone from the darkest parts of my brain.
I need it.
