Page 224 of As the Rain Falls
Something in me starts to shatter with the memory of what Nathaniel reminded me of before I left the house tonight.
Lucia died for this.
She died fornothing.
I blink, walking out of the room. I don’t know where I’m going, but I need to get out of here soon. Downstairs, the house is mostly quiet. Zach lowers the sound of the television as I walk down the stairs.
“Cassandra?” he calls for me, watching me tie my shoes together again. “Is that you?”
I clear my throat. “Yeah?”
“I thought he’d brought in a hooker.”
Zach holds a bowl of Crunch cereal, the yogurt pooling at the edges. While the sight of it makes me feel starved, I can’t ask for food without telling him that I’m hungry. And I can’t just ask for things when he is not the boy I had sex with earlier.
“That’s funny,” I force a laugh. “But no hookers here, just me.”
“Rivera, wait.” He spins his spoon around the bowl, watching me with a frown, like he’s trying to understand something so complicated. “Why are you doing this?”
My hands pause, my left shoelace half-tied into a knot.
“Doing what exactly?”
Fucking another guy.
Being a whore.
“I thought you were spending the night with Kayla.”
Kayla.
My best friend.
The one I left at the party.
I should probably text her back.
Yeah, that sounds like something I should do.
We fought today. I don’t know why. I don’t know why it started. I can’t remember why I got so angry about everything, but I did. And suddenly, Kayla’s face started to piss me off.
Why are you so moody, Cassie?
I wanted to grab her hair and bang her head against the wall repeatedly. I wanted to slap her, kick her, and show her what was done to me. I wanted to scream and shout until she realized that something was wrong.
I couldn’t do any of the above, so I fucked Zach’s cousin instead. I think that’s what happened, but I’m not sure.
It all feels so unlike me.
Didn’t I used to be so nice and good?
She’s my friend.
I actuallyreallylove her.
“I was.” I shake my head, smiling without showing teeth. “But I met your cousin at the beach, and he invited me over.”
Zach blinks twice, like he can’t believe I just admitted to doing that without an ounce of shame. But I do feel shame. He just doesn’t need to know about that. He doesn’t need to know anything at all that concerns me.
