Page 218 of As the Rain Falls
I reach for her again, trying to bring her closer to try to stop her from hurting herself. Cassandra takes this as an opportunity to meet me halfway, jumping over the shifting gear on instinct and climbing into my lap. It takes me by surprise, but I squash the feeling down fast, trying not to overthink this too much. Maybe all she needs is to be held.
“Shh.”
She clutches my shirt, finally holding onto something.
“But it’s my birthday!” Cassandra sobs harder. “I shouldn’t be crying on my birthday!”
“I know, baby.” I hear her make a wounded sound at the last word, as if the tenderness I’m offering so freely pains her.
I know exactly how she feels.
This is a bad night.
Another one.
It keeps on going. It never stops.
It never fucking stops.
“You’ll be okay,”I promise. “And I’m not just saying it. You’ve got friends, okay? People who won’t leave just because you might do the wrong thing sometimes.”
“Really?” Her gaze finds mine, locks in, and doesn’t look away. “You believe me?”
“Yes, Cassandra. Of course, I do,” I agree, smiling softly. “Happy birthday, by the way. You’re seventeen now. How does it feel?”
“No gifts yet.” She shifts, her eyes going muted with something I can’t quite describe. It’s all sad and unlike her.
“Well, I can’t fix that right now, even though fixing shit is really my thing,” I try to joke, keeping my tone light. When she doesn’t laugh at the bad attempt to cheer her up or say something, I try to get her attention again by touching the sides of her face. “Hey, are you okay?”
Cassandra gulps, a frown forming on her face.
“I don’t know.”
“Okay.”
“Just hold me.”
“I am.”
“I need you.”
The switch happens so quickly, I would’ve missed it if we hadn’t been so physically close to each other. She jumps from overly sad to curious, impulsively reaching out to touch my chin.
“I need you so bad.”
“Cassandra?”
Her thumb rubs against the curve twice before her lips press against mine for the tiniest of seconds. It’s not exactly a kiss, more like a quick brush, and over before it even starts.
I stay put, watching her pull back, noticing how her mouth pressed into a stubborn straight line again. Then, she reaches out to me, more frantic about it this time around.
“Kiss me, please.”
Fuck.
God.
No.
