Page 198 of As the Rain Falls
“Yeah.” I nod, offering a weak smile to reassure him. “I am.”
“Really?” He notices something in my gaze, and it makes him freeze. “We’re not doing anything wrong.”
“I know.”
Maybe we’re not, but Kayla is right.
I have to break up with Caleb soon.
It makes me feel a little sick, knowing Maria might figure it all out. It’s going to break her heart. She’s been in love since forever, and it’s not fair at all. I know that. I’m breaking girl’s code. I hate girls like me on a normal day.
The homewreckers.
They deserve nothing but the worst.
I know that, too. I just…
It’s only…
How long have we been here?
I really can’t remember.
“Just relax, okay? You want to keep me at a distance, Cassandra? Fine,” he says, but while his mouth speaks comprehension, his fingers are trailing the side of my right leg. “But I want to feel like you want me, too. Is that a bad thing?”
I shake my head, my mind feeling foggy.
“No.” My lips tremble. “It isn’t.”
The clock starts ticking and my legs go dormant.
If I don’t give myself to him now, I’m sure I never will again and I’ll lose him. I have to do this, and I have to do this now.
What if I ask him to stop and he gets angry?
What if I make him feel stupid?
The music gets louder than anything happening between us both, louder than the sounds coming out of his mouth. Louder than myself and my own thoughts, which are scattered and nonsensical.
I realize so clearly, as Caleb pulls my underwear down, that I’m starting to panic. As soon as the thought comes to mind, I start pushing it down, praying to forget all about it.
It doesn’t matter anymore.
I can’t let it matter.
It’s all wrong, wrong, wrong, but I have to do this. I have to see this through. I can’t stop now that he’s already hard, and I can’t tell him no.
He kisses me softly, slowly, pulling my legs apart one at a time, but in my head it all happens so fast.The underwear, the tearing, the rocking back and forth.I genuinely almost miss it when he comes.
One blink, and we’re done.
Surprisingly enough, it doesn’t even hurt as badly as it did with Nathaniel. Sex tonight feels like nothing. Maybe Nathaniel just went in a little too hard.
Caleb finishes off, moaning loudly against my throat, gets off me and puts his socks back on. I watch him fixing them up around his toes, fighting back the urge to gag.
Wordlessly, I struggle to stand, to pick up my dress, to put it back on my body, and to clean up the mascara that’s smudged underneath my eyes. Caleb tries to help me fix my hair, messily combing the strands, smoothing them over.
“Don’t.” I pull away, disgusted with myself.
