Page 164 of As the Rain Falls
“I don’t know…” Caleb hesitates. “Really?”
And I picture it for a second. If I were with Beckett right now, things would be different. He’d see me on my knees, and—God, he’d offer me a hand and help me stand up.I see it.The curve of his smile, the kindness in his eyes.The words he’d use to offer to walk me back to my bicycle, how he’d tell me to get home safe.
Beckett Evans wouldn’t ask for anything.
I know he wouldn’t.
It’s a perfect picture that fades as Caleb touches my lips with his thumb, almost pinching the fullness of them. I make a small noise in the back of my throat. I can’t tell if it’s a sound of pleasure or hurt.Somehow it feels like both. I feel so wounded.
“Try to breathe through your nose, okay?” he tells me as he pushes his pants down. “It’ll help.”
I exhale sharply, feeling my head start to spin.
The next twenty minutes become some kind of ugly blur. By the time I get home, sweaty, teary, and tired, it’s already darkoutside. I’m too nauseous to even speak, and each step I take towards the bathroom has me gagging, the bitter taste he left on my mouth making me sick. I lock myself in my bathroom, push my finger down my throat, and force myself to throw up.
HANG UP, GIVE UP
Cassandra
DECEMBER, 2016
It happens again.
Nathaniel isn’t home, and our father is at school. I was supposed to be learning about geopolitics today, but I’m skipping class and calling in sick instead.After an hour or two of getting ready, overthinking what I’m wearing, how my hairlooks, and if I’m wearing enough perfume, I convince Caleb to come over.
Not that it takes much effort at all. With boys like him, I become some kind of smooth talker, ready to say all the right things to keep them hooked.It should be scary to be so good at something so perverse, but I do love the thrill. I love how quiet my mind gets whenever he is around.
Besides, knowing that every step I take with Caleb takes me one step further away from every moment I was forced to spend with Nathaniel gives me nothing but relief.
It’s simple math, really.
If I’m tainted by one, I might as well be tainted by both. I can do whatever the fuck I want to exactly when I want to. What’s the difference, anyway?
Nothing matters anymore.
“I like it.”
I blink, pulled from my own thoughts by the sound of his voice.Caleb points his finger at an old music festival poster I stuck to the wall a couple of years ago. The bright colors are faded now, but I can still make out the face of some kind of local singer holding a microphone.
“Are you a fan of Sandro?” he asks.
“No,” I answer, feeling empty.
And I’m really not. I thought the poster looked kind of cool back then. It had style. I found it the day after Nathaniel came into my bedroom. Lucia was handing them out at the beach.
The girl who’s been dead for months now.
The girl who got—
“Are you really here to see my posters?” I push all the ugly thoughts aside and let out a fake laugh, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the bed. “I thought we were supposed to be doing something else instead.”
“Yeah? What?”
I smile, coy and seductive, kissing the sides of his face and pulling his shirt up. “Somethingwaybetter than this, at least.”
Caleb smiles, lying on top of me and stealing a pillow to place it underneath my head. “I brought condoms.”
He’s so relentless.
