Page 163 of As the Rain Falls
“Are we ever going to fuck?”
That’s the thing with boys, I’m figuring out. Angelina was right. They’re not very patient. You see, you give them a nail, but what they really want is the finger. So, you give them the finger, but they promptly grab the hand. Soon enough, you’re without an arm.
“We’ve only been seeing each other for, like, a month.”
Barely.
If I count down the days, it’s probably a little less than that. Caleb has never taken me out on a real date. We still don’t see each other much outside of school. He has yet to properly introduce me to any of his friends.I’m always just Cassandra, or just some friend he knows. And sure, I wanted to keep things quiet, but this doesn’t feel like just quiet anymore. It feels like a dirty secret.
“But you like me, don’t you?” He presses a kiss against the corner of my mouth. “I’ll make it good for you,” he promises, hands coming down and pausing around my waist. “You won’t regret it.”
“I know I won’t,” I go along with it, not actually feeling certain. “I’m just not ready.”
Caleb stills, then sighs, rolling his eyes at me, “Okay. Whatever.”
I feel the loud disappointment in his tone rolling off of him in waves. My chest immediately tightens. I press my mouth against his again to compensate. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s just…” he trails off. “Am I the problem? Do I make you feel some type of way?”
“Caleb.” I shake my head, intertwining our fingers together. “Why would you think that?”
“I’m trying to be patient, Cassie. But I just like you a lot, and I… Can we just do something fun?”
He wants me.
Caleb actually wants me.
Unlike Beckett, who just sees me as a what again?
We’re friends, Cassandra.
“What if…” I bite my lip, softly touching the sides of his face. “What if I…”
What if I tell him the truth? I could. But then, what happens next?
I’m going to be perceived as this jaded, broken girl. The one who had sex too soon, just with the wrong person.I can’t let him see me, not when I’m fun Cassie.Fun Cassie, who skips class sometimes and kisses him senseless, and sends him dirty naked pictures.
I’ve built this image of myself that I intend to keep, even if it makes me a bigger liar than I already am. It’s better for him to know me like this than to let him glance at what’s underneath.
The decision comes to me quickly.I move without thinking, pulling my hair back and raising my skirt up to my waist.
“What… What are you doing?” Caleb asks, but I ignore him and close the car door shut.
Then, I lower myself, kneeling on the floor of the driver’s seat. My knees press into grains of sand and dust. I give them a quick glance, hoping that I will be able to last long enough.
“Cassie?”
I pull his zipper down, freeing him of any restrictions. Caleb finally catches up to speed, his lips parting into a groan. He grabs my hair back, holding the strands up in a ponytail.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” I smile weakly, nervous about what’s coming next. “Let me do this for you. I’ll make you feel good.”
I know this will work. It will fix things.
Caleb will feel good about me again, and I just want to forget everything.Pepé’s toys are left untouched, no matter how much he barks calling for me throughout the day.Beckett not texting me back. Nathaniel being an obsessive lunatic.
Besides, it’s just a blow job.I might even like it in the end.
