Page 148 of As the Rain Falls
The thing is, I don’t know. I truly never really considered the thought of it before, but now that I am considering it, now that I can picture it happening…
Does she…
Does shewant meto kiss her?
And if she does, why didn’t she just say so?
“Cassie,” I start to speak too fast, forgetting to keep my words soft. “You can’t do this to me right now.”
And what I mean by that is, she can’t play little games hoping I’ll catch up. I told her that people usually come up to me, but that’s not exactly the entire truth.There was a time when I did try reaching out to people, mainly girls. But reading between the lines, trying to understand all the hidden meanings, was too confusing. I gave up trying entirely.
Besides, she’s my friend. If she feels something, she’s allowed to talk to me about it. I’d never make fun of her for it. I don’t think her feelings are stupid at all.If she wants to try, then why not just do it? I did hate seeing her with Caleb a little. Couldn’t that be the reason?
The world doesn’t fall apart when I consider kissing Cassandra Rivera for the very first time. In fact, it’s the opposite of what I felt compared to Alex. It’s not challenging or desperate. It’s… It’s comfortable, like our friendship is.
A place to fall on, like a home.
My heart rises up to my throat, a feeling of uncertainty making me want to bolt. Sheisa friend, so why do I feel like there might be something else there? Somethingmore.
Maybe…
Just maybe…
“Okay. Never mind,” she dismisses me just as quickly, shaking her head. “Forget I even said anything.”
“Hey, no.” I shake my head. “I didn’t mean it like that.”
“It’s okay, Beckett. I always knew you’d reject me.”
Always?
How…
How long has she been thinking about this?
“I’m not rejecting you.”
But before I can explain myself, Cassandra pulls away, stepping back like she just remembered something important. She flicks her long hair, pressing her lips together.
“Cass?” I ask, voice lower than I mean it to be.
“Yes?”
“Are you…” I wince. “Are you mad at me now?”
This doesn’t feel nice either. I don’t want her to simply throw this question on my lap and pull away when I don’t react the way she expects me to. I’m not following a script here, I was just trying to figure her out. This is the hardest part about having conversations—people usually assume I mean things when I don’t, or that I am aware of what I’m supposed to be saying next. It makes me nervous.
“No.” She insists, but there’s something guarded in her expression now, a resistance that makes my insides burn. “I just want to stop dancing with you for now.”
“Hold on, just let me speak.” I take a step forward, but she takes another back, crossing her arms.
A nervous habit, I’m certain.
I’m just not used to being on the receiving end of it.
“No! God, I’m so stupid…” she snaps, and if anything, she suddenly sounds defeated. “We’re just friends, right? It’sallI am to you. I don’t know why I even considered for a second that you would actually like me back.”
“Cassandra, I really think that…”
