Page 119 of As the Rain Falls
YOU WON'T SEE IT COMING
Cassandra
NOVEMBER, 2016
Class ends, but Idon’t leave. In fact, I wait until the room empties out and run to the bathroom, disappearing in one of the empty stalls. I can’t find it in me to move, not after what happened with Caleb in the library. The shame I feel each time I think about his lips pressing against mine is curling in mystomach. I feel nauseous and out of breath, and my heart is beating too loudly in my chest.
Wrong.
It all feels wrong.
My intuition is telling me to run to safety, but I can’t even picture what my version of a safe place would be. I guess I’ve always expected it to be a person. It’s all the stories I’ve read combined in my head making a hopeless romantic out of me. For a second, I start to forget that there is nothing romantic in this situation. I am absolutely alone. I have no one to trust. No one to turn to. My loneliness is causing me to be desperate enough to let a boy kiss me just because.
I am an attention seeker.
I am a whore.
“Cassie? Are you here?”
Kayla knocks against the door. I open it and come out of the stall, only to walk past her and let my body fall seated against the wall.Her ballet tights are peeking out from underneath her skirt, and her hair’s pulled back into some kind of loose, messy bun that probably took ten minutes to get right.
“I’m hanging out here until dinnertime comes.” I shrug. “You look different.”
“I know, it looks weird.” She sighs loudly and pulls the hairstyle down. Her curls fall around her face, softening the edges of her heart-shaped chin. “I don’t know what I was doing this morning. Trying something, I guess.”
“No, I like it.” I shake my head. “It looks good, Kay.”
“Really?” Her eyes widen, a grin stretching across her lips. “Well, thanks. Olivia’s running a bit late, and I saw your bike in the parking lot. You haven’t been texting me back.”
“I know.” I give her a weak smile. “I’m sorry.”
Kayla doesn’t smile back. “What’s going on? You’ve been avoiding me all week.”
I shake my head, words jamming up in my throat as I listen to her question. “I’m not avoiding you. I’m just…”
“Caleb asked me about you today,” she cuts me off, taking a step closer and sitting next to me. “I was trying to be a good friend when I told him you were probably in the library. Was I wrong?”
“You weren’t,” my voice is quiet. I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, suddenly self-conscious. I turn my head slowly just to take a good look at her. “He kissed me today.”
Kayla’s eyes widen, her mind racing to track what’s wrong about my statement. “He… did?”
I start to nod, swallowing hard. “And Angelina Cardoso caught us.”
Kayla tries to hide her gasp, but it still comes out anyway. I snort, even though there’s nothing funny about this.
“Is it a problem?” I hear the worry in her voice. “She’s not Maria’s friend, is she?”
“I don’t think so,” I deny it, side-eyeing Kayla again. “I’m sorry if I didn’t call or text. And I haven’t been avoiding you on purpose; I just feel…”
“Sad?” Kayla offers, smiling knowingly. “I know.”
She tilts her head back, considering her next words. A pinch of worry is now hiding in her eyes, and I feel like I was the one to put it there. I hate how I always seem to drag her down to the bottom. I don’t ever mean to.
“But you often feel that way these days,” she says. Her eyebrows are furrowed in concentration. “What’s really going on, Cassie? You know you can tell me anything.”
“I’m just going through a hard time, that’s all.”
“Did something happen with your grandma? I’ve been thinking, like,” she stops and gestures to herself as if trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together. “It’s like you’re just, I don’tknow. I’ve been so busy, so maybe there’s something that I’m missing.”
