Page 114 of As the Rain Falls
Nathaniel’s so good to me, isn’t he? So good to me, like he is to no one else. So good as he held me down and spread my legs and ripped me apart.I can see him now, on top of me, inside of me.I hear him moaning, petting, and biting.Is he good now still?
Your daughter is washed up. Used. Ruined. Dirty. A secret better left buried deep in a closet. I’m a dead girl walking. They’re burying me alive, dragging me down when I’m already just a carcass.
I curl on my side, pressing my cheeks to the bedsheets, and even now, not a single tear falls. The covers should smell of detergent, clean and floral, but they don’t.All I smell is him, his sweat, and his breath.All I feel is his body, his hands, and his mouth. It’s the same ceiling, the same bed, and I am still the same girl I was at thirteen. The same girl who thought she wouldgrow up someday, only to wake up and realize that all the lights were already out.
“No…” I whisper, trying to push these thoughts away. But they’re eating me alive. “It’s not… It’s not true.”
But it feels like it is. It’s like pulling a thread but never getting to the end of it. It won’t ever, ever stop.
We don’t need to go to the park to play, Cassie.
We can do it here.
Come with me.
Get inside.
Stare at the screen until I’m done.
Don’t tell them.
Don’t listen to the teacher.
They’re all lying to you.
I won’t ever hurt you.
Be quiet.
Don’t you want to make me feel better?
But time went by, and his voice grew to be louder, and meaner, and she…
She becameweaker.
You’re so fucking pathetic.
Say that to me again, and I’ll kill you.
You’re a fucking whore, Cassandra.
This is all you’re good for.
I need her gone, I realize.I need her dead.I need to cut her open, pull apart her muscles, dig deep, and rearrange her bones until I find whatever it was that made him crawl into her bed because I hate her the most.I hate her stupid smile and the lightness of her laugh.I hate the way she gets so quiet instead of speaking with her full chest. He slaps her every other day for fun, and she just laughs it off, acting like it’s nothing. It’snotnothing.
Then, I decide it.
I’ll kill her.
My fingers hover over the small keyboard. I type, delete, and type again, thinking about all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it. The thought of distracting myself with a boy feels so pathetic.
I mean, am I this desperate for attention?
Maybe.
Caleb’s name shows up on my screen, his name making my heart flutter. It’s not excitement or a crush because I know exactly where this will take me. I know what it will mean if I let him in.
I’ll kill her for good, I think again, a ghost of a smile tugging at my lips. It’s all twisted, all wrong, and way too fucking late. The words aren’t a whisper anymore. It’s uncontrollable rage.He should have killed me instead. Nathaniel should have killed me instead of just taking whatever bit of innocence I had left, but he didn’t. He didn’t, and it’s too late.I already know what I have to do to fix this.
