Page 35 of Playing the Neutral Zone

“What did you want?”I asked, pushing past him and sitting down on the end of the bed.

“I’d never have made those remarks had I known about Duncan.I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”I sniffled.“It really doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does.I was being a jerk.”

“It doesn’t matter, Levi, seriously.He’s gone.That part of my life is over.”

“I never thought he’d have died.I figured that things just didn’t work out between you.Regardless, I shouldn’t have been that insensitive.After all, you were in love with him.”

I stood up off the end of the bed and made my way over to the window, pulling the curtains back and looking out over the twinkling lights of the city.I could see Levi’s reflection staring at me in the window.

“It’s fine, Levi.Please.I know our relationship and engagement announcement hurt you, and I know how you protected yourself when those things happened,” I said, looking out over the city, afraid to tell him the real reason I wasn’t all that upset over his death.

I didn’t need to focus on my reflection in the window to know he was right behind me.I could feel the heat from his body, that same familiar energy that spoke to my body in a way no one else’s ever had.The moment he placed his hands on my arms, I crumbled.Heavy sobs racked my body.I fell back into his warmth and allowed it to envelop me as tears poured down my face.

“Hey, I got you,” he whispered, placing a kiss on my temple.“I won’t let you go, just let it all out,” he said, as he wrapped his arms around me.

No, he had it all wrong.He thought I was crying because of Duncan.

“I can only imagine how you must feel, what you must be going through.Had I of known…well…I wouldn’t have been such an insensitive jerk.”

“It’s not Duncan.”I sniffled.“I…I don’t think I ever…”

“That you ever what?”

“I never loved him.”

There, I’d said it.The words had finally left my mouth, and the second they had I felt such a weight lift off me that I felt lightheaded.

“Sure, you did.You’re probably going through one of those grief stages you hear people talk about.They pass.It’s all part of the healing process,” he whispered.

I pulled away from him.Scottie had been right.Sure, I grieved his loss, but I’d never truly loved Duncan, and it had taken me this long to realize it.It was a relationship I’d entered because I was mourning the loss of Levi, and at the time, anything was better than being alone.Scottie had told me that time and time again, told me to talk to Levi, to give myself grace, and give things time to settle, but I’d never listened.I knew better than anyone.Instead, I dove in headfirst, never stopping for one minute to think about what I was doing, and then I woke up one morning and found myself with a ring on my finger.

“It’s not a stage of grief, Levi, at least not over the person you think it’s over.”

Levi looked at me, questions in his eyes.“Were you having an affair?”he asked.“It’s okay if you were.I’d look at you no different.”

“I wasn’t having an affair, at least not one of the physical kind,” I muttered.

“Oh, I get it, an emotional one.Those happen, and again, I don’t look at you any different.”

“It wasn’t physical or emotional.”I sighed, feeling frustrated.

“Okay then, you’re going to have to spell it out to me because I’m lost.”

“I was never in love with Duncan, Levi.I was never in love with him because I was still in love with you.”

There, I’d said it.The words had flown out of my mouth before I could stop them.Levi stared at me.I could tell he didn’t know what to say.After all these years, the truth finally came out.

Levi chuckled.Why he was laughing was beyond me because there was nothing funny about this situation at all.

“What’s so funny?”

“Come on, Scarlett.You’re fucking with me.”

“Does it look like I’m fucking with you?I never got over you.Leaving was a mistake, Levi.I ran because I was scared.Ask Scottie if you don’t believe me.He’ll tell you.”

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