Page 39 of Risk

I drop my forehead to my knees. “I know.”

If I decide to keep this baby or not, I do have to tell Kaden. I just…I want to make my decision before I tell him that I’m pregnant. I need to figure out for myself what I’m going to do before I drop this bomb on him and change his life forever.

And now, I feel sick again. This isn’t just my life that’s getting upended. It’s Kaden’s too. And it’s not like we’re exactly on good terms. The last time I saw him, I pretty much told him that I never wanted to see him again, and now…this.

God, this is an absolute mess.

Why did I have to have sex with him that night? Sure, it was off-the-charts, amazing sex, the best I’ve ever had, but it was not worth the stress that I’ve had ever since.

Jesus, I thought him ditching me that night was awful. It’s fucking nothing compared to this.

I’m pregnant.

Pregnant.

And now, I have to decide whether to have an abortion or have a baby, and whichever decision I make, my life will never ever be the same again.

But to make the decision, I’m going to need a little time.

The thought of having a baby is terrifying. The thought of having the responsibility for a whole other person feels beyond overwhelming. But the thought of aborting my baby doesn’t feel right either.

I just…I don’t know if I can have a baby. I don’t know if I’m ready.

I know I’ll have the support of my family if I decide to keep this baby. But what if Kaden wants nothing to do with it…us? No…I know him. He might not have wanted me…but he wouldn’t disregard his child. Although I never thought he’d be the type of guy to hook up and disappear either. I guess the only way to know is to tell him.

And the thought of that…I just can’t even form words to describe how scared I am of telling him that I’m carrying his baby.

But whatever decision I make, it won’t be based on his reaction to the news that I’m pregnant.

I’ll make this decision myself first, and then I’ll go and tell him that I’m pregnant and what I’m choosing to do. Then…I’ll go from there. I know I’m going to be okay because I’m a Kincaid, and like Zeus always taught me, we face our challenges in life head-on, and we succeed.

FOURTEEN

Lo stayed the night at my place, which I appreciated. The last thing I wanted was to be alone. He offered to call in sick for work, but I didn’t want to be the reason he took time off from work and his studies.

He’s currently workingat this big, fancy law firm until he passes the bar and can start practicing. He interned at a law firm in Pennsylvania during his final few years of law school, and I worried for a while that he might stay there. He might be a pain in my ass at times, but I like my family all being so close. Fortunately, he missed us all, too, and wanted to come home, so when he graduated, he moved back here to take the bar exam and landed this job, working as a junior associate with the hope of earning a permanent job once he passes the bar.

He crashed on my sofa, which I know is not comfortable at all. But somehow, he was out the minute his head hit the pillow. He has always been able to sleep anywhere and through anything.

Thank God he heard my call yesterday when I woke him from a nap.

I didn’t sleep at all. Spent the whole night flitting between staring at the ceiling and silently crying into my pillow.

It was not a productive night, and I look like absolute shit, like something I just threw up. But I have a class this afternoon, and I am in desperate need of a distraction from thoughts of babies and pregnancy, so I’ve decided to go to class instead of skipping.

But it’s pointless because not one bit of information the lecturer gives to us penetrates my brain.

I have another class in an hour and figure I should get some coffee to help get my brain working.

Leaving the building, I walk in the direction of the coffee shop near campus. I should probably get something to eat as well because I spent most of the morning throwing up, and the slice of toast I had for lunch came straight back up as well. The sickness usually abates by now, and my tummy is feeling less nauseous and more like I can keep something down.

I open the door to the coffee shop, immediately soothed by the aroma of coffee and baked goods. I join the end of the short line and wait.

When it’s my turn, I go to order my usual vanilla latte but pause because…isn’t caffeine bad for the baby?

I know I haven’t decided what I’m going to do, but that doesn’t mean I should put the baby at risk by drinking caffeine. And can I have cow milk? I literally have no clue about anything to do with pregnancies and babies.

“Ma’am?”

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