Page 135 of Coco and the Misfits

That was a little harder to unravel, but now I got it: I don’t feel I deserve it. I don’t deserve them spending money on me.

The why is more complex than that, of course, and I try to hide it from myself, to bury the truth deep.

Anyway, what am I doing? I should be looking for a pack, not three single alphas who can barely stand one another, three men who have only collaborated to guard me on the street.

Three different relationships. Quiet evenings with Atticus, cooking and talking and cuddling. Intense evenings with Zach, training and sharing furtive glances and touches. And sex with Ryder, literally riding the dark side with him, barely talking yet finding harmony in that peak, that release.

Yeah, no idea what I’m doing. This isn’t what I’d planned. It’s not good for me. Not good for anyone involved. Three relationships, none of them whole, each one a piece of a normal bond. It’s not that I don’t want to sleep with Atticus and Zach, or that I don’t want to talk with Ryder and get to know him better, but I’ve stalled.

We’ve fallen into a pattern and can’t seem to be able to leave it.

Or maybe it’s me. I’m the one reluctant to change, to break the pattern and risk...

Risk what exactly? Losing them? I don’t have them, not like this. Risking losing what small part I have in their lives, then. What if this is all they want from me?

Then I should move on because this isn’t what I need. I need a pack. I need a family.

What if you got them to know one another better? Like one another? Form emotional bonds? Become a pack?

Ha. Right. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

This is where I am mentally when I... start to pull back.

“Are we going to see the mysterious tattoo Ronin is giving you?” Ruby asks Gigi who is contemplating the depths of her coffee cup. “You’ve totally left us hanging.”

“It’s a secret,” Gigi says with a faint smile.

“Oh, come on. Not fair.”

“Speaking of secrets,” June says. “Spill the beans, Gigi. Have you ever taken an alpha’s knot?”

Ruby coughs. “Girl.”

But Gigi laughs. “I tried. It’s not for me.”

Would it be for me?

We’re sitting in the Book Café, our hot drinks of choice in front of us, the conversation flowing around me like a river and I’m a stone in the middle of it, apart yet pretending to belong here.

I’ve been mired in an endless circle of anxiety and panic, remorse and guilt. This question stops me in my mental tracks and I find my breath catching. I need to know. Just in case… In case I never awaken as an omega.

But let’s cut the crap, shall we? I’m never going to discover I’m an omega. It’s over. Not gonna happen. I need to accept it before I hurt people.

Before I hurt the three alphas I’ve been stringing along, knowing full well that I’m not what they need, not who they think I am.

“Coco? Are you with us?” Gigi leans toward me. “Are you okay? You disappeared for days.”

“I’m fine.” I give her a distracted smile, because the truth is, I don’t want to see anyone, I just need the familiar noise around me—people talking, cups clinking, water, water flowing downstream, under the bridge of my thoughts.

There has to be a special place in hell for me. Stringing along three wonderful guys who should be looking elsewhere for their mate.

“Coco. Crap, girl, you’re starting to worry me.” Ruby is leaning in, too, her face inches from mine.

I squeal, shoving her away. “What is wrong with you?”

She sticks her tongue out. “Just checking your reflexes.”

“I’m not one of your dogs.”

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