Page 11 of The Last Dance

3

Love And Loss

Ambri

Today is the fifteenth. The day we always come here in honor of Rory. Tomorrow will be one year since she died. It will also be my twenty-fifth birthday. I was kind of hoping that tomorrow would be better than last year but I’m not sure it’s going to. I feel like something is about to go wrong.

He’s already sitting on the bench when I pull up to the Rose Garden. I grab the bag of food from my passenger seat and make my way through the garden to him. It’s gorgeous, just as it always is. The roses are blooming, and the sun is on its way down.

I’ve been here with him over the years dozens of times, but these times we go for her are different. Neither of us seem to know how to be us when we’re here for her. Do we talk about her? Do we not? Is it wrong to have a good time? Are we supposed to be sad and depressed? I really don’t know how to act.

‘Hey.’ I sit the bag on the end of the bench and take a seat next to him. ‘Been here long?’

He nods. ‘I had lunch here.’

‘You’ve been here since lunch?’ I ask, pulling my phone from my pocket, tapping the screen to check the time. Seven. He’s been here for hours. ‘Did you go to work today?’

He shakes his head.

‘You should have called me. I could have gotten off.’

‘I know, but I can’t always call you every time I feel like shit, Ambri. It’s not fair to you.’ He barks it over at me, then frowns, gently touching my hand as if he’s sorry.

I nod. I know he wants to do this by himself when he struggles but I wish he knew he didn’t have to. He’s never alone.

I sigh to myself as I look out at the city. ‘As usual, it’s beautiful.’

‘Shewas beautiful.’

I nod. ‘She was, wasn’t she?’

‘Sometimes I wonder if maybe I had never asked her out, I wouldn’t be going through this right now. If she and I never were, none of this would have happened.’ He doesn’t look at me, he only stares into the distance. ‘Then I feel guilty for even thinking that way.’ He pauses, finally looking over at me. ‘Do I serve as a reminder of her to you?’

I bite my lip as I shake my head, swallowing down the emotion that wants to bury me alive. ‘Our relationship never had anything to do with Rory. The fact that you guys ended up dating was something that just kind of happened. I was totally OK with it. To me you’ll always be my best friend.’ I shrug and try to smile when he looks over at me with his own forced almost-smile. ‘Honestly, I try not to think about her. I know that’s probably not how you’re supposed to grieve but I can’t seem to process that she’s gone. In my mind she’s away on vacation. Somewhere as beautiful as this.’ I take a moment to breathe, so I don’t lose it. ‘None of this is your fault. It’s no one’s fault.’

He nods, leaning forward, his elbows resting on his knees and his face in his hands. ‘I see her everywhere I go, Ambri. Right when I think she’s gone and I’m doing better, there she is. I try to let her go but she keeps coming back. I want it all to go away. I wantherto go away. And I know how awful it is to even say that. That’s what makes all this so much harder.’ His voice cracks as he speaks and when he starts to sob it takes everything in me not to lose it right there with him. I pull him towards me, wrapping my arms around his neck, him holding me back as he completely falls apart again.

I lost my sister, the girl who taught me so many things about life. We spent our childhood together, but sisters grow up and have their own lives. Henry lost his girlfriend, well, his wife. She was the person he thought he’d spend every day of the rest of his life with. Sometimes I think this is harder for him than for me and, because of that, I don’t always know what to say when he has these days. No words feel right.

*

I flip through Netflix again but nothing new has popped up since I scrolled through an hour ago. Last night when Henry lost it, it felt like the longest hour of my life. He didn’t want to go home; he said that’s where he sees her the most. I finally convinced him to come home with me and try to get some sleep. With the help of some over the counter sleeping tablets he’s officially been passed out in my bed for almost five hours. I’m trying to sleep on the couch, but I’ve been restless. I can’t quit wonderinghowhe sees her. Does he talk to her? Is he doing that bad that he actually thinks he’s really seeing her? I glance at the time on the TV: two in the morning. I lie down one more time, flipping the TV off.

I jerk awake, startled by the shattering sound in the kitchen. The room is still dark so I know I haven’t slept long; the under-cabinet lights are on and Henry is kneeling down cleaning up a broken glass on the floor at his feet.

‘Sorry,’ he says as he tosses the pieces of glass into the garbage.

‘You’re up already. Are you, uh—?’

‘I’m OK,’ he says with a shrug. ‘Mostly. I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t expect to lose it like that.’

‘You don’t need to be sorry. I get it. I know how hard it is and how it can hit you unexpectedly.’

He finishes cleaning up the glass and leans against the counter in front of where I’m now standing. ‘Thank you.’

‘For what?’

‘For never letting me go through this alone. For being here whenever I need you. For taking care of me when I can’t even focus on myself and for making me feel like I’m not crazy when I do lose it.’ He sighs, a hand now resting on the back of his neck. ‘I don’twantto be like this, Ambri. I neverusedto be like this.’

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