Page 45 of The Last Dance

‘I’m not doing one of your dares.’ I pull the rack from the balls and hang it back on the wall.

In college, we played for dares. I once had to strip naked and bellyflop into the snow. If you know Portland, you’ll know that we don’t get much snow, so a powder landing wasn’t something I had the luxury of. It was more of a face plant into the frozen ground covered in a quarter inch of ice, naked. If I’m not mistaken, I think Ben even has a photo somewhere to prove it.

‘I was thinking more if I win you finally quit hiding behind the ghost of your ex and admit why you can’t either let Ambri go or tell her how you actually still feel.’

I sigh, setting my beer on the pool table and taking my shot. ‘I told her yesterday.’

‘You told her you loved her?’ Ben’s voice is weird and high-pitched.

‘I told her Iwasin love with her.’ It was the only thing in everything I said yesterday that stunned her momentarily silent.

‘Was? As in past tense? So, you’re still lying to her, then?’

I sit in the booth next to our pool table, feeling nervous even thinking about our fight yesterday. It’s been playing on a loop in my head ever since. Whenever I see her I can’t figure out if I want to kiss her or run from her. I can’t quit thinking about her; she’s in my head every minute of every day since I’ve been back.

‘It wasn’t a lie.’ I sigh heavily, dropping my head towards the ground. ‘I don’t know anymore… maybe it was a lie?’ I ask it as a question, glancing up at Ben as if he has the correct answer. ‘Do you have any idea how me being in love with her again would complicate even more lives than just our own?’

Ben laughs, taking a shot and successfully knocking two of his balls in a pocket.

‘I do, but I also know this… there is no perfect scenario. If you’re waiting around for some supernatural sign of approval or for the planets to line the fuck up or whatever, it’ll never happen. Sometimes you gotta jump in with both feet and figure out the details and shit as you go.’

‘Did Claire get you a life lessons calendar?’ I ask him with a laugh. He’s not normally a deep and insightful person. He’s the jokester.

He shakes his head. ‘All these years we’ve been friends, brothers really, and I’m always surprised that you don’t take your own damn advice. I got this shit from you, man. You do realize you can’t run from fate, right?’

I nod. ‘I hate when you’re right.’

‘I’malwaysright.’ He laughs, sinking another ball.

‘I just need some time with her. I miss her.’ So much it physically hurts.

‘She cried on the phone with Claire after your fight. Did you know she hasn’t even allowed herself to say your name since you left? And now you’ve been back hardly two weeks and you’ve already got her in tears.’

When I close my eyes lately, that’s all I see, her in tears because of me. ‘She cried while we fought.’ I swallow away the pain building in me. ‘I have no idea how to fix this.’

‘I’ve no doubt you’ll figure out some way to tell her what you need to say.’

‘Yeah…’ He’s right. I know this whole thing hurts, and I know it’s not only hurting me but I can’t just walk away defeated. I glance up from the beer I’m staring at as I hear him make a shot.

‘They have an ATM machine here.’ He points across the bar with a laugh. ‘Better grab your debit card 'cause I think you’re gonna need some cash.’ Another two balls disappear from the table. He might be right.

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